RoshieJ

Crystal Clear

2011-05-20T01:47:00.000+09:30

So..guess what.
I was mistaken. The person who I thought let me down really didn't. It all stated like this. My friend was with this other person..lets call my friend X and my friend's friend N. So X and I had a disagreement and X turns to N for temporary comfort. Now N thinks X is interested in N. And when X and N fall apart, X and I are patching things up. But N wants X back. Somehow things turn a little ugly. And N and X really get pissed at each other. N then sends me a message and tells me that my friend X has been bitching about me. I got really hurt at X coz I didn't expect X to do that (refer previous post).

So what realy has happened is that N was lying all along. X has really not said anything bad about me. N has instead read through all those angry texts that X and I have been sending and then used that knowldege to try to break X's and my friendship.

Every had something as twisted as this happen to you? *BTW I hope you understood this whole story*

Well I am now relieved. Because it would really have sucked if X had been saying stuff about me. It's great to know that things between my friend (X) and me have patched up and we are really good friends.

But Vida la Loca eh?

Till next time

The other side of the glass

2011-05-18T11:04:00.001+09:30

Today I feel like a fool. I really don't know what to do or who to believe. I really want to write out the whole incident here and maybe you could be a better judge of this because I have vested interests, my opinion is biased.

Well the gist of it is that someone I love and am very close to, when we were having an argument had been bitching about me and my family to another person. And you know why that hurts even more? Because I never complained about that said individual to anyone else. No matter how bad our arguments got, or how badly I was scolded or out down, I kept my peace and my mouth shut.

Today my friend wants to to build that bridge over our troubled waters and I was willing to, despite everything. Yes I'll admit I was no saint. I made my mistakes. But I always made up for my mistakes and I always tried to do better. I gave this person another chance. I don't know if that was a big mistake or not.

But if there is one thing I have learnt the hard way throughout this hard long years is that I will fight for my joy and happiness. If it means that sometimes I have to chose between making someone else happy or me happy, I know that I am going to chose me. Because I know that that person will never chose mine.

Takin' the magnifying glass away

2011-05-17T01:44:00.001+09:30

Sobriety struggles, extreme dieting, rehab, hospital problems, body image problems
Just a quick glace on MSN's wonderwall and you are left wondering...what's going on?
For most of us, celebrity bashing is a national past-time. We used to write fan-mail, wait in endless queues just to catch a glimpse of them on the red-carpet, stalk them on twitter and Facebook. And pour endless hours of valuable time reading on how Kat Von D stole Sandra's Bullock's hubby or how what Justin Bieber has for breakfast...

And I have to admit I am one of them. No I don't stalk celebs but I do waste a lot of time pouring on who Jennifer Aniston is really dating..and what does Megan Fox's tattoo really mean.You know what I mean.
But back to my topic. Something that you see a lot of is what broken lives they really lead. For all their millions and fame, they battle alchol and drug abuse, they have financial troubles, they cheat, steal, lie. They have monumental breakdowns and then you just have to throw away the magnifying glass of fame and fortune and see them for what they really are.

People who have the added burden of a complete lack of privacy and trying to live the vida loca. I think maybe then we could be a little kinder and less harsher on what we say and think about them. After all, them's people too.

The Poilitcs in building an ARK....

2011-05-11T02:25:00.002+09:30

The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud formed and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems . First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and flotation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.

However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft.'

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"

25 random things about me.

2011-05-11T02:24:00.000+09:30

Dear FUTURE ME

Date: April 8th 2009: This was what you posted about yourself as you saw yourself. Hope that how that you are wiser and grayer, most of these things will still hold true for you and you NEVER lose that lil girl in you

LOVE
RoshieJ

1. My first name is SALOMI...LOL. Betcha didn't know that and it actually means "Peaceful One" in Hebrew ;)
2. I LOVE...absolutely LOVE all fruits...except for Durian...and I can NEVA get over THAT smell.
3. I CANT draw....for toffees. Wish I could though....(And yes my SIS unlike me is very talented artistically)...And I do wonder where those genes went?!?
4. I love reading (even more than watching movies)…always have and ALWAYS will.Yes I do prefer to read the book and THEN watch the movie…like LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY, V FOR VENDETTA, PRINCESS DIARIES, BEN HUR (YEAH IT’S OLD…But sill a classic), HARRY POTTER, TWILIGHT SERIES, RUNAWAY JURY, and many more…
5. I used to believe that toys would come alive when I was a kid. But you couldn’t see them if you didn’t believe in them and because THEY didn’t want you too. And for this reason I treated all my toys with respect…and today I still love all my childhood toys and treat them with respect (just in case you know)
6. I don't drink coffee…Haven’t done so in months. And I don’t have any form of caffeine with me at all.
7. I love dogs more than I love babies. Sorry KAVS :D.
8. I love rain. And I MISS rain :( ... even though I do complain wen it pours.
9. I’m sarcastic...period.
10. The best present I ever got was my dog MYRA....at 8 years and 4 months she's still the joy of my life.
11. IM A JESUS FREAK!!! and Im very proud of Him.
12. I grew up poor....but today I feel priviledged that I have all that I have. I came to Australia against enormous odds and im still here. God taught me a valuable lesson...to achieve something you just need a lil bit of faith and a LOT of guts.
13. I love to see trees and walk too...:D..
14. I love seeing the moon. It calms me down.
15. I can talk more than most people I know.
16. I love to fix things myself....(and yes most times the attempts are unsuccessful but I tried)
17. I am a diehard chocoholic and if there’s a rehab out there I should be in it.
18. I can count backwards…fast...a skill I acquired when I was tutoring.
19. I had a unique diet…and thought I did till I met Alison :D....
20. I’m actually very lazy…it’s only my insanely competitive nature that keeps me going. I’ve got to beat my own records and I’ve got to master something I don’t know. Otherwise I end up miserable.
21. I have a strict schedule every day. I have to know what I’m going to do and where I’m going. It drives me nuts when my plans change suddenly.
22. I’m an opera/musical fan. My fav musical which I’m dying now to see? Phantom of the Opera.
23. My legacy is to be remembered as someone who cared. And I try to live up to that every day....and I do realise that this does sound vain Nadun...but Its the hardest thing that I have ever attempted...
24. I’ve got to start studying for my exam today.
25. If you reached here, it meant that either you cared enough to read (AWWWW…) or that you were jobless (Pffht! *as my sis wud say*) so since you reached thus far read below...and yes the last random thing about me is that I make mistakes. Plenty of them. All the time. But i do value the lessons i learn from them and the friends who point them out to me ;) .......

The Contest

2011-05-11T02:03:00.001+09:30

Right now there's this one going EPIC battle between the master a.k.a the DAD and the Dog and the winner takes home the title "World's greatest snorer"

Round ONE: First DAD begins. It starts nice and slow and then builds up to its grand crescendo. It loks like a winner. But waaatiiittt...DOG is not to be outdone either. She seems to have slipper into a doggy dream where she seems to e chasing monkeys with the sound of her awesome bark. Except since she is asleeep it comes out as a snore. Looks like DAD has a really challange here. And wait. DAD backs down. He seems to have stopped snoring. DOG WINS ROUND ONE!!!

Round TWO: Suddenly the MUM laughs and the dog is awakened. This contest looks like a wash out..Dog licks her paws looking extremely bored. And waaait! She goes abck to sleep. The game is STILL ON!!
Hang in there people.

Round THREE: DAD has now upped the challenge with a stream of steady, rhythmic snores. It's actually starting to sound like some ancient middle eastern chant. DOG will never beat this. DAD continues sensing triumph. DOG seems to be content merely sleeping. DAD's snore is now like a motor bike. It's unbelieveable.
It's now closer to the end of the match. DOG is not giving any challenge at all. She must have realized that she stands in the presence of true greatness!

AND IT'S A VICTORY FOR DAD!!!

*author's note: There was no intent to harm anyone here. The only purposes are entertainment and good clean fun.*

It's one year and more

2011-05-11T01:47:00.000+09:30

So the good news?

We made up. And our relationship is stronger than ever. There's much more love and understanding. I guess you could say that the whole rough couple of months finally paid off. And we made it past one year!!

I recently entered the ALL ISLAND BEST SPEAKERS CONTEST organised by the Colombo Toastmasters Cup. I really don't know what I was thinking. Coz right now. I am having a writer's block. I need to give out a 5-7 minute sppech and I cannot even think of WHAT to speak on.

Here are a few ideas:
Slipper Slope: Euthanasia: I have recently begun getting interested in this contreversial topic. 'Nuff said, coz I will post a blog page on this topic in more detail.
Somewhere over the rainbow: Dealing with depression
The Glass Slipper: Looking at the another side of the Cinderella story.
The Biggest Loser: How to fall off the edge and survive.

Yet none of them seem WOW. You know. Extraordinary. And my first round is on the 21st. *GULP*

I am also taking guitar classes. And yes to all you guitarists. I have new found respect. Thankfuly I have a very patient teacher...though it remains to be seem how much patience he will continue to have.

Gotta get back to speech writing. Keep you posted.

Candle in the wind

2011-04-19T13:01:00.000+09:30

Today we are going to meet up for what might be our last dinner together...todat we will have to decide whether we are breaking up or sticking on...

I am scared. On the one hand I really love the boy and want him. On the other I know that unless we find some working ground and really make radical changes, we are just fooling ourselves. Coz in the end though we love each other soo much,,,everytime we try to get closer and help each other we just end up hurting more.

I don't know why or understand why..but someday maybe I will. In hindsight I know that I will be able to see where I went so wrong. But then..will I be with him???

Flow gently sweet Afton

2011-04-18T17:59:00.000+09:30

Right now we are not really talking..I wish he would say something but I get the feeling he is tired of saying so many things over and over again. It's not that I don't listen..I really do. And I do take it into heart but when something he says requires change he doesn't seem to get that change does not happen overnight. It takes time..coz I have to change an entire thinking pattern, a entire habit and re-old my character and personality.

That takes more than 10//11 months being in a relatinoship to do. And I have to admit that I have come quiet a long way.

I am not saying that I am perfect but I have come a long way from the immature girl I was back a year ago. I have a long way to go...but time seems to be against my favour this time round.

It's gonna be a bit of rough waters for some time. I hope we weather it out and come out stronger than before.

over the hill

2011-04-17T18:58:00.000+09:30

The dying embers of the fires of love...
The wasting sighs and teardrops that fall

I wish I could tell you my love that I am so very sorry for ALL the times I have let you down and hurt you. But you wouldn't listen to me. I want to hold your hand and tell you that you are my man but I know you will take it away.

Do we still have a chance? Can we still make this work? I wish I knew.

¿Cómo te llamas?

2011-04-16T14:04:00.001+09:30

That's whay my name...Roshanthi...would look like had I lived over 4000 years ago. In Egypt.
I wonder what I would have been doing....

You haunt my nights

2011-04-16T13:54:00.002+09:30

I was on bed and trying desperatly to move. Something invisible had grabbed my legs..I could only move it a few inches and then it would get suspended in mid-air..

"NO!!!" "Let me GO!!"
But something dark and sinister had gotten hold of me. I cried and then wretched myself and ran......

My bedroom was no longer safe. I raced to my parents' room and threw myself onto their bed between them...

I felt like something inside me was ripping my soul apart. I was asking my mother to pray for me and she and dad started desperatly praying for me. While they prayed something from within me roared like a wrethced animal and I felt it trying to break free.

I was screeching and screaming and twisting and howling. My parents continued to pray for me and suddenly when it felt like my chest was going to tear open...and then...

...I woke up.

*true story*

I was really scared because it felt so real. But somehow after months of dark nights, pain and desperation...I felt free. I spent the rest of the night praying, singing songs and reading the Word.

So what did that mean? I don't know. But it sure felt real for a dream.

Broken

2011-04-16T12:41:00.000+09:30

What happened?

Just a couple of months ago we were so in love. Holding hands, kissing and whispering into each other's ears..I love you. Listening to his heartbeat calmed me down. I would wait to hear his voice.

Today what remains is a fractured relationship that both of us are tired of trying to glue back together. The fights, misunderstandings, the broken hopes and crushed dreams.

One small word turns into a war and before we knew it we had drawn lines. I wish I could go over all the reasons why it has come to this...but it really hurts too much.
How do you let go though? How can you move on?

Too afraid to let go

When things change

2011-04-15T18:11:00.000+09:30

NO matter how hard life gets...we are told to hang on. Because there is that silver lining in that dark cloud. Because there is a rainbow after the rain stops. Because there is hope.

I realise that this post comes after months and much has changed.

But what happens when there is nothing left to hold onto?
What happens when you you are left is ashes of your broken hopes and shattered dreams?

What do you do when every breath feels like daggers piercing your soul?

Pain is all you know. Numb is what you feel...

what then???

Animal therapy

2011-04-15T18:08:00.000+09:30

"An animal's eyes have the power to speak a great language." ~ Martin Buber

There's more to come

2011-04-15T18:01:00.001+09:30

So it's been quiet a while since my very LAAST posting. And so much has changed. Today I work for a freight forwarding company (I left my old job), I'm studying for an accountg course (yeah it's as boring) and I have changed in so many ways more than one. But I have to start blogging coz all this pent up energy has to go somewhere.

So here's to more blog posts and more great memories for times to come =)

It's a brand new day..

2010-09-09T09:20:00.002+09:30

With today there is only about 21 days...and I'll be unemployed.
For now..I'm at work..being bitten by mosquitoes and really really sleepy. Yeah..yeah..feel sorry for me okay. These mozzies are really getting on my nerves. I killed two of them already.

hehehehe. Well I've got to get cracking on my work. I've got an European Union state of the Address to edit..and international package to work on...and I think there might be this special feature on 9/11.
Not bad eh? Plus at this time in the morning..a little bit dim-witted.
So I'll catch ya later

taaa

Today..the economy

2010-09-07T09:40:00.003+09:30

Yesterday was Labour day...and to mark the occasion US President Obama brought out the economy..he unveiled a grand plan to develop America's ailing infrastructure and modernise the transport system.
Personally I think it's all fine in speech but saying it and doing it are too different things.
For a country with unemployment inching towards double digits..something drastic has to be done though and maybe this might work..once congress approves it...

I wish that our politicians would take a leaf from his book and actually think of OUR economy. The rate our government is burrowing from foreign countries..we gonna be steeped in debt for till Thy kingdom come. It's appalling. I admit there are infrastructure developments going on..but at what cost?

The key word here is opportunity cost and hopefully if all this investment pays off then we will be on ground. But huge deficits and large debts have a way of creeping on you and blowing up. Otherwise we have got to ask ourselves now..what kind of a country are we leaving for our kids? One where they have to pay the price for our greed?

To be fair, our government stopped a war, and have brought some stability to this war torn nation. Tourist arrivals are up, the CSE is one of the best performing in Asia and we have investments coming in...

But corruption is rampant, justice is slack, and with the introduction of the proposed 18th amendment...though I cannot imagine why they want an 18th amendment to the constitution when they ignore the 17th...I wonder where we will be at.

It's a grim scene..and the optimist in me looks for little glimmers of sliver linings.
I wonder where they are.....

After-Math of THE day...

2010-09-06T09:50:00.003+09:30

Elloo...It's freaking 5.52 a.m and I'm here at work...*groans*
Oh well the good book does say do all things without murmuring or complaining. That stops there.
So how did dinner go? Pretty well actually. My parents loved my b.f's mum and she luved my parents. And my dad's chocolate brownie cake. Seriously dad makes an amazing or in the words of B.F "awesome" chocolate brownies.
I am glad...glad...GLAD. *HUGE grin*

Now back to work..you take care and have an awesum day.
XOXO

Today is THE day

2010-09-04T18:12:00.003+09:30

At work on a rather lazy Saturday afternoon...been here since 6 a.m...now its almost quarter past two. Listening to great music by Shinedown, Red, Need to Breathe, Billy Joel among others...it pays to work in a radio station..eh??? LOL

But today is THE day. The day my parents "officially" meet my boyfriend's mum. No, i'm not gonna get engaged. It's just a dinner...but I'm excited. Heaps excited. It's been an amazing four months.

*now listening to Our Lady Peace: Innocent*

Somehow I like working weekends. Think...good company, music, chilled out atmosphere...yeah..you got the picture. Anyways bf is gone to the meat market and is gonna help his mum. I hope it's a simple meal. We Sri Lankans take great..*GREAT* pride in our hospitality. take for instance this scenario. My mum went for tea. Her hostess had prepared tea with at least five types of finger food AND dessert after tea. All just for my mum =D

Well I have to finish two voice cuts now...I'll come back with more details...

When you lose that tooth

2010-08-17T15:47:00.002+09:30

Today I got my first ever tooth extraction and it hurts =(
And it took all of less than a minute!!!
*btw..reader discretion is required...the details may be a LIL graphic)

I went to the dentist this morning, as my molar in the back of my jaw was like literally killing me. (Don't you love how people use the word literally for things that are figurative? or hate...)
Went to dentist. The old coger looked inside my mouth...took an x Ray and then jabbed two injections into my gums. One on the top and one at the bottom. Now the good thing is..i don't mind injections. So i clenched my fists and stared on...willing my self NOT to tear.

Then he took this jabbed a hugs wad of cotton into my mouth and used this little contraption and then thing I knew he was taking his surgical gloves off and the burses had turn their backs on me...wait..is that it?!? That SHORT???
To be fair I was kinda surprised, disappointed and happy..all mixed in one. Surprised..for obvious reasons...disappointed..
well there's not much of a gory story is there??? And happy coz it was all done.

Now it just feels weird and yes my jaw hurts..I'm on the strongest painkillers the pharmacist could find. Feeling groggy...wanna go home..

If your gonna be there, be there

2010-08-14T13:14:00.002+09:30

And that is what happens when you work. If your gonna make your job work. Be there. ut up with everything that is thrown at you and just smile when you have to go through a 10 hour shift. I'm not complaining...merely venting out all my frustrations.
For starters I wake up every day at 3.00 a.m. to get to work. and today I'm on a 10 hour shift. But the plus side is that the job is not so bad on a weekend. It's the weekdays that blows. Especially during our primetime news.
What's a prime time news bulletin? Well to all the newbies a primetime news bulletin takes place at allocated hours evey day..for us its 8.00 a.m./1.00 p.m. and 6.00 p.m. and is a roundup of the most important happenings for the day. And though it sounds deceptively simple I assure you it's a lotta work.
And i have to work through two of them.

But ya know. I still love my job.
But on the other hand we've made it three months. So yeah babes. Congrats to us. It's going really great and he's so sweet. i am one blessed girl.
I want to write so much more...I do, but I'm at work and I should get back.
So please stick around. I apologise for so little and are postings. It's just that life is really busy now.
Hang in there.

My garbage is your garbage

2010-07-22T23:48:00.004+09:30

Mum's ranting again. hehehe. What is it this time?
My sainted aunt, has decided to shift locations again, lock stock and barrel (for the umpteenth time). And my aunt has a lot of old stuff she has been collecting over the years. Guess where they landed? Yeah. Our place. So we have some old wrapping paper, light bulbs, a lamp shade with no stand, two old hand bags, some books...and guess what? Digimon.
Yeah. My aunt watches Japanese Anime. Somehow the idea tickles me pink. Here were the reactions:

MUM: Its not like we don't have our own garbabge he goes in brings other people's garbage too (fumes).
Sis: OMG! She watches Digimon? But why Digimon? Couldn't she watch Naruto?
Me: My AUNT watches Japanese anime? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Dad: Here... see what these old movies are! What's Digimon?

Those are the movies... some of the books she gave are in Japanese too. Now the mystery is whether she knows another foreign language..the Digimon CD's certainly aren't subtitled. So how does she understand them?
Hopefully I'll have an answer to that question. Till then...I'm gonna watch a movie. Not Digimon. I still don't get Anime.

Bye =)

The Stewardship of Time

2010-07-13T23:01:00.004+09:30

This is a message I shared at youth recently. I credit this to a website that I cannot remember now (srry) and to Shee Laine...my awesum previous housemate who shared this message at a lifegroup meeting last year. It was so good Laine that I had to share it k.

Eccl 3:1: To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.

Ps 24:11- God holds all things, including out time. Ps 31:15- All the events and circumstances of our life are in His hands. Rom 14:12- Every believer has a personal responsibility to manage what is given to us for His glory. Ps 90:12- We are called to be good stewards of our time.

What does God demand of us in the stewardship of our time?

Psalm 62:8, 1 Cor. 10:31, Matt 6:33-34, Eph 5:15-17

Why is the proper use of our time today so important? (James 4:13-15)

What should be our prayer concerning the use of the time that God gives us?

When do you find this hardest to do?

What does Christ admonish us to do as stewards of time until He comes again?

(Mark 13:33-37)

What did Jesus do about His time? Mark 1:32-39

i.e. How can I use my time to the fullest?

Something to think about. In a fast paced world, with fast foods, fast cars, fast jobs, and fast lifestyles, do we really value the minutes and seconds we've got? Life is more than the car in your garage, the clothes in your closet and the paycheck you earn. Life I truly believe is defined by you. You play out your life. So play out every moment to bring out the flavour and beauty out of evey bit of your life.

Till next TIME ;)

And I became a rat

2010-07-13T14:00:00.005+09:30

Sister dear was making dinner last Saturday night. On the menu: Noodles.
My sis: Where are my ingredients!?!? I NEED my ingredients!!!!!!!!
Me: You sound like a sous chef...you know..
My sis: a WHAT?
Me: a SOUS CHEF...kinda like the one in Ratatouille...
My sis: Oh yeaahh....(pauses)..maybe you know..I might be related to a rat.
Me: HUH!?!.....(deep breath) WHAT!!!!!!!!!
My sis: Oh wait....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...I just got that. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yeah...my family is so supportive. Today my dad made bread pudding. he MADE bread pudding...after let me see...so long? And he made bread pudding for Gre. That boy is really lucky. My dad makes pudding for him. Seriously. I have to go off...our house is being re-tiled. so till next time.

I love to hear those heartbeats

2010-07-06T12:31:00.004+09:30

It's been two months exactly today. Two months since he asked me out. I know two months is a rather short time but I just want to say how grateful I am for having met him. I love you babes and I pray for many more months and years together.

Thank you for always sending me a random texts, calls and messages through my friends just to let me know that you love me. Thank you for the little treats you get me, for the music that we both love, the books, movies...the laughs.

I love how you don't take everything too seriously. I love how you are able to hold my hand and say, we'll do this together. I love the way you dedicate my favourite songs to me...and how you remember all those little details. I love who we enjoy the same type of music.

I'm yet to get you your own dress, coz no you cannot wear mine.

and I do appreciate how hard you try to become a better person, just for me.

It's been rocky. Remember the first 'official' date? And the uncooked noodles? Remember how we had fireworks? It kinda is like how we are...all those raw moments and all those moments that are just magic.

I am loved. And I am reminded by it everyday when I look into those eyes. When I feel those arms around me. And I hear his voice.

So happy anniversary babes.

My besties and I

2010-07-05T12:59:00.002+09:30

I count myself incredibly blessed to be a part of the lives of these incredibly beautiful, talented and gorgeous women. Thanks girls. You guys will always be a part of my life and my heart.

He saw me as I am

2010-07-05T12:54:00.003+09:30

The song says it all. This is to the One who created me, sustained me and gave me a reason to smile every single day.

Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face

(Chorus)

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace

(Chorus)

Are u happy to see your monkey?

2010-07-05T11:39:00.003+09:30

I'm back!!!

Yes this is one LOONG awaited blog post and I promise to keep it rolling. So what's my excuse? life..work...laziness..and love. Yeah.

I met him. And He is so awesum. And Him and I and going out. (grins)

So how and when and where and what?

I met my boyfriend at work. But I'm not saying anything more coz I'm gonna have an entire blog post on him later (something to await for)....so keep tuned in.

My life is better from where it was a couple of months back and I'm happy. God has been so good to me. And I cannot stop praising him.

Yesterday I was watching this toon called Curious George and it was about this man and his monkey...yeah monkey's name was...George and according to my sister he was the most inquisitive monkey she had ever seen real or animated.

When the dude walks into his home he plays with George and says..."no man is happier to see his monkey"

Which i thought was funny and also profound. I mean are we really grateful to see our monkey? Now no dirty thoughts k. Monkey here stands for the things and people we see everyday...and take for granted. Just recently my bestie called and told me she was getting married. And I was thrilled for her and then once the euphoria died down it struck me...how fast life was moving on and how much things were gonna change.

On a different note..I realise how fast we had grown up and decided to embrace every bit of "childlikeness" in me. I also decided to appreciate every moment or "monkey" I get, meet and spend time with.

Babes..i don't mean that your a monkey literally k..(just in case you do read this post).

So go out there and enjoy the people and the moments life has. All to soon you'll have to grow up and move on. And you mite end up wishing you had that chance again.

Lots of luv

Till next time roshie =)

No matter where you are

2010-05-04T13:06:00.002+09:30

For some odd reason I was thinking about love. And relationships. What makes a relationship work? And most importantly do I have what it takes?

I'll be honest. I have had many admirers. And so many guys who have asked me out, wanted to ask me out but didn't...and guys who have had a crush on me one time or another. I'm not boasting..I really am not..It's just how it is. But despite all that you would think that I would be going out..

All I know is that someday..hopefully I'd find him. NO matter where he is. I would finally find my other half and maybe..just maybe I would finally feel complete...

When the wind calls my name

2010-05-02T15:28:00.003+09:30

A whisper in the morning.

And that all it takes to make you want to pack up and leave. To take the road less traveled and find out a new adventure.

I want the sunlight that paints my path.

I want the clear blue skies that guide my heart.

I hear the whispers of the wind as it sings to my soul

And when it calls my name

I will go.

I will find the path I was meant to take.

Scale the walls I was meant to break.

Seek the love that waits for me

Write my life for all eternity.

I will set my mark and leave my print.

I will colour your life and paint your days

I will make the bridge from my heart to yours

Come walk with me as I go my way

Come sing the song that you were born to sing.

Come paint the dream you were meant to live.

Dance, run, fly away...

When the wind calls your name.

I am feeling rather restless today. Maybe its the sunny, crystal skies. Maybe it's the boredom of staying at the same place in my life. All I know is that I want more.

The sense of craving for adventure that never dies. Its like an internal thirst.

And you know what...I will find my adventure. I will.

When the wind calls my name.
I will go.

All you need to do is smile

2010-04-30T12:37:00.006+09:30

I am loved. And there's not a more comforting and liberating feeling in the whole entire world. Yesterday while coming home in the office van somehow words turned into something a little painful and once again I am reminded of why I should think before I speak.

Talking to G and D I said to G.."I am way more mature than you"..he picked this up and kept picking on me..till I felt so cornered and trapped..what I meant as a joke turned into something harsh and cold.

And it hurt. And for the first time I actually cried..in the van. I couldn't stop myself. Tears slipped down as I tried to stop the hurt and the pain. Pain that I had kept hidden deep in my heart came out..pain that I though I had outrun.

And then he apologized. I think he was pretty shocked that I was so badly affected. He sent me a text ...he really felt bad..and couldn't sleep.

To you:

It's alright. I am not mad..and I think you're a pretty nice guy =). I am glad we are friends and you do make the work place a lil bit more interesting.

What does it take to be loved? It takes I believe a cross and an Amazing God and an eternal sacrifice. It then takes loving parents who show you that love is indeed more powerful than hate and no matter how badly people treat you..you should retaliate with love. It takes friends who call you, think about you and go that extra distance for you..

Mostly it takes you...being true to yourself..and loving unconditionally.

And it starts with a smile...that comes out of your heart, flows into your eyes and curves it way out into the world.

and in other news: this proves my job is getting to me!!!

I watched Sherlock Holmes, Alice in Wonderland and How to train your dragon.

Verdict

"Liked" Sherlock Holmes. It was alright but I think the characterization of Holmes was overdone. He didn't seem like the Holmes that Sir Aurthur Conan Doyle wrote up. Weak plot but good acting.

"Tolerated" Alice in Wonderland..and sadly this was one movie I really was looking forward to. Except for Johnny Depp who was brillant as the Mad Hatter everyone else gave a half hearted performance. And the story was so 'Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe" ish. I half expected the set to turn into Narnia.

"Loved" How to train your dragon. alright the story line was nothing new..there a hundred other movies with the similar plot line..

Kid not fitting in..being ridiculed...finds his true skill or inner mojo..uses it to save the world and becomes the hero...gets the girl and an apology from his parents who didn't believe in him earlier..blah! But everything else was pretty original..the dragons were wildly creative and what can I say? i fell in love with "Toothless". Now I want a pet dragon too!!!!!

Other movies I loved..Hurt Locker (I see why this move won the Oscar..it's pretty good) and the Blind Side (brilliant performance by Sandra Bullock).

Note to you: Don't watch Shutter Island...Don't. the movie is incredibly confusing and in the end you are left wondering whether you or the movie characters are insane.

Here's to another another Friday and a glorious weekend..I NOT working (I finally get a full weekend off) and to a great ending to a great week.

and then he said..."I do"

2010-04-23T13:06:00.007+09:30

So what makes a guy chose this particular girl???

Is it her charm? Her stunning beauty? Money? Fame? I read this article on MSN and the truth is...wait for it

*drumroll*

*trumpets blare out*

*the choir sings a harmony*

The song reaches its crescendo.........

and TAA-DAA!!!

It's more of the simple things in her that makes him go all goo-goo eyed and wag his tail (hey I know that look okay...my bf has this really cute look...kinda like a lil puppy..and..well *AHEM*)

yes the truth is something you knew all along

Back to the topic at hand...

She's exciting and always evolving: makes sense..you don't want a woman who's stagnant or narrow minded...on the other hand you would't want a constantly evolving gal either....imagine yourself as Adam Sandler in 50 first dates...the first 50 times it may be cute but try taking it for over a 100...

She really...really loves sex: And my bf says that this is very very important. Doesn't that say it all =). (btw I am not screwing around ..just to be clear) but any man with an ounce of testosterone will agree to this.

She makes it clear that he is NOT her entire life: Men love a woman with a bit of spice and nothing makes a modern man happier than a woman who's got her focus right..yeah thats right buster..I have a life see..and while you are a HUGE part of it, you are not all of it.

okay..okay..I'll be nice.

Men love women who have the right focus. She has a healthy life and doesn't have a shrine in her closet for the worship of her man.

Yet she still conveys how important he is to her: so yeah..while guys do dig independent chicks..they do luv a woman who isn't afraid to show her tender side... as the article so aptly puts it......

Okay, so men dig independent chicks. But there's a fine line between being independent and acting aloof and detached. Guys settle down with a woman who regularly reveals her tender side and shows him that no matter what happens, she's got his back.

And this is my personal fav...

She wants him to be the best man he can be

Be honest girls...if there is something that bothers you...like his BO..an unpleasant personality trait..his rudeness...tell him..and be a part of his life while he tires to overcomes it..(if he wants to that is...you can take a horse to the water...the rest is up to that horse)

A great marriage is not when the 'perfect couple' comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.
Dave Meurer, "Daze of Our Wives"

yeah..thank me later =) or rather thank MSN...hehehehehe...till next time

XOXO

Deck the halls with stalks of lilies

2010-04-22T13:48:00.002+09:30

I have got love what I go. Yesterday I was at work for 11 hours. And I realised how much our mood is affected by the weather. It has been a couple of really gloomy days and everyone at office seemed rather bummed out too..or maybe it was just those early morning hours.

I was off to meet an old dear friend for lunch when boss wants me to go for a press con. Since there was no one else I volunteered. But it wasn't too bad..the press conference I mean. In those couple of hours I could feel so many stares I felt that if I was butter..the heat would have melted me.

But no there were not unfriendly ones..just curious..I wonder who she is type of long glances.

I get them everywhere...just two days back this guy kept looking at me all through my bus journey and now it's not even weird anymore.

Let them look..maybe I remind them of someone they know..which is another thing I get a lot..

"doesn't she look like so and so?"

I wish I could meet ALL my look alikes.

But in other news I'm glad to be alive. God really really had been so good to me and I cannot tell you how much. I really am a blessed girl. The Word says to forget not His benefits and I won't.

I thank you God for it all.

A day at work

2010-04-19T12:02:00.003+09:30

So since you must be wondering how exciting (or not) my job at a Radio station is let me give you a preview of a typical day at work. And for that I shall take my day yesterday. Yes I have to WORK on the Sabbath. Something has got to be done about that...

I come into work at about 10.55 a.m.

Sign in and then make my way to the stdio. In the studio I am greeted by Jerusha and Anuk..who I finally get to meet. He works in the news team woo but only on weekends..I don't usually work weekends. So hence for about a month we never met.

And He greets me saying "ah so you're the girl who came out of the closet" (that was totally Zach's fault) trust leaving your FB open when he's around.. (he changed my status...I'm now gay).

I was a tab bit confused before realisation settled in..."ah yes...It's really great to be in the open"...we banter around the topic of being lesbian and how women on women action is hot (REALLY I tell you..this is how I have to work..hehehe) and how hard it is in the sunny isle to get a partner. A female partner i.e.

Then I start work on my bulletins. Jerusha is chatting with Danny and they are apparently getting a divorce. Danny accuses her of not being there for him..she accuses him of cheating with other women. He says that he wants out of their relationship as he knows wants to start life with me (yeah I'm his new girl) LOL. Jerusha kicks him out of the house...he has to sleep with the dogs...and it keeps going on..I laugh and get back to work.

Then as I get ready to go in for news, the printer gets jammed. And I get late. Not a great beginning since in radio timing is very important. But Greame handles it pretty well..he plays a couple of extra songs and gives me time. I rush to get the bulletin printed.

After that its pretty smooth sailing. Greame is in for LITE and Dilshan is in for TNL..I spend my time talking with them..the sinhala news team and finishing up my work. yeah I would love to record the conversations we have coz honestly they are a riot...maybe one day I will.

Finally Karin comes in for the next show and so does Murad...I get a gift for Karin who has been to Bangkok...really sweet of her..she got something for everyone at the station.

And Greame sits next to me and we contiune our banter ( I am working still) till Heshan comes in and takes over news for the rest of the day. We both leave...(after finishing up Greame's breakfast..which he generously offered)..I go home

So thats just one of the many days I spend...

This week promises to be hectic..got loads of ppl to meet up and birthdays coming up as well..I fear I'll be a broke girl before the end of this month...now I'm off to go buy some movies. Life is getting a little to dull...

More later...(and in the words of Greame)

I'll leave you now as it's my turn to bathe the goldfish..(he really said that on air once and then realised that it really didn't come out the way he wanted it to..hahahahaha)

Time and time again

2010-04-18T22:04:00.004+09:30

One thing you definitely learn if you work in a radio station is the importance of TIME.

Everything is down to the minute and second...

For instance...news starts promptly n the hour and should only take 3 minutes...go over three and you could be in trouble. If its the prime time news then you have only 6 minutes. Yeah..minutes never LOOKED bigger.

So this post is dedicated to time and how what I think of it. It's after all the most spoken of topic in management lectures...in business circles..in little league games...

Somehow it seems that we can never get enough of it...

Take today for instance..its my off day. A rare day when I DON'T have to go to work and how do I spend it? Wasting time. Why? Coz it feels so darn good not to watch those minutes.

But you should not waste time..Oh no. Heard of the phrase that every manager is going to throw at you (or already has) at some TIME or another..."TIME IS MONEY"???

Well Time is not money. Time has nothing to do with money..instead money has everything to do with timing. And fiscal planning...and having a job...

What I think is that its TIME we take back our TIME. I think it's okaty to have that occasionaly off day where you don't keep track of our time..instead you have a good time.

What say you?

(BTW: If you're really bored..like me..try counting how many times I mentioned the word TIME in this post}

that's the way it goes...

2010-04-11T23:27:00.004+09:30

Was just checking out Wildfox's latest collection..and yes was salivating. hahaha! cannot wait till I one day have my ka-ching job. Then see who's gonna go to ballistic.
Other than that it's been a really awesome day today. What with nothing much to do for news and all. I lov my JOB!!

Dino (the sweetheart of a boss) has sent reinforcements to help me with my news and the dear chubby boy is finishing up my news bulletins. And moi? I'm chillaxing to the max..but hey I need all my strength for tomorrow I guess. At least that's my excuse. LOL.

I'm now singing off but will be back with more off my life. It's all in a day's work and for some reason today I feel more compelled to blog...must be all that guilt settling in.

Play your own song -2

2010-04-11T17:20:00.003+09:30

I was writing this at an unearthly hour in the morning. I just jotted down what ever was in my head just so that I could clear it up and go back to sleep...needless to say it didn't work!!! It's not one of my best pieces and for that I apologize but then again..we're all still learning. Next time I'll get it right!!!!!

Image credits: TWULF@deviantART

Play your own song
Play it loud and strong
Even if no one’s listening
Coz only you can sing that line
And only you can make it rhyme.

Play your own song
Even if you get it wrong
You can always sing it once again.
The key is to try without refrain
Success comes to those who don’t give up
And sing their Life Song loud and proud.

I make my words as I go along
I make the tune as I keep singing my song
I can shout each melody or whisper each beat
It’s my prerogative. It’s how I chose to live.

But here’s the deal you don’t sing it alone.
You sing it with each person you meet.
You sing it for it’s your legacy.

You sing it as God gives you grace
With strength and love to endure this race.

So sing that song. Don’t be ashamed.
Don’t let it all go to waste.
And when you nearing those final lines
Look back and see the life’s you touched
The melodies you left in each dear heart.

That’s why I’m easy. Easy like a Sunday morning

2010-04-11T16:59:00.005+09:30

image credits to ~xSweetPrincess@deviantART

Ironically this song was playing in my head and it IS a Sunday morning. Maybe the two are inter-related. Maybe pure coincidence. But at this time of the morning I cannot take it for granted.

Shucks. I cannot sleep. Even though I took enough medication to knock out a horse, it has very little impact on me. Hence I’m blowing bubbles in the dark and listening to Norah Jones.

I decided to dedicate this post to answer a question that a lot of guys (and girls) have been wondering about me.

Why am I single? And what would it take for me to date again?
I’m not being presumptuous or anything but I’ve gotten this a lot from people who for some reason cannot believe that I am STILL single.

Why am I single? Singlehood I believe is either forced upon you or a decision that you take. If there is another viable reason I cannot think of it right now. I chose to be single.
Now what does it take for me to date?
Here’s a thought. When you are going to pimp your ride and get yourself the latest gizmos, what would you do? Making it easier, say you wanted to get a stereo system. If you’re me, you would ask your dad and all your car-pro friends. Or else you’d hit yellow pages, Google, car mags etc.etc. The key word here is RESEARCH. You’re not going to spend a packet for some second grade crap for your car.

It’s the same for any high level involvement product you purchase. Be it your latest high-def TV, your house or your life insurance.
But what when it comes to the affairs of your heart? Something I believe that does not get anymore personal and more important that that high-fi software for your desktop. It’s ironic how people throw it away so lightly.

When it comes to dating, I am like car-enthusiast. I want the best there is. And I am willing to wait for it. Yes I do have my criteria. I mean I do have an idea of what I want in my man.

Why should I give my heart away lightly? I have made this mistake before and no more. So I chose to remain single. Till I decide not to chose to. Then you know that I have found him. It’s as simple and easy as that. So no I’m not hard to get. I’m not difficult to please.

Play your own song

2010-04-10T17:56:00.003+09:30

And this is why i believe that I have a pretty cool job.

1. I get to listen to some of best music...and catch with the RP's too

2. I get to have fun...heck..the job is good fun.

3. I learn something new every SINGLE day...hey..I do news..something new always comes up. So it's not really a boring same old..same old.

4. I have met some really nice peeps...and I see something really beautiful in all of them (aww..now ain't that mushy?)

5. I get songs dedicated to me just because. When I'm sick, sad, happy...and i love it =)

and mostly DRAMA. DRAMA. DRAMA.

and yeah...I'm grateful for all life's moments. Even though this was NOT what I had planned...it's something that I needed.

Now for the next week I'm off to Jaffna..(finally) and when I come back more details of what it was like to be there. It's def gonna be a memorable road trip there.

I'm RoshieJ signing off for now..but keep awaiting for more. Lots of luv to you.

The ultimate sacrifice

2010-04-06T18:21:00.003+09:30

And a dream came true this Sunday. I got the opportunity to lead worship on Easter Sunday. It was amazing. Nothing short of exhilarating and humbling.

I had to lead with Jonathan (the Pastor's son) and his enthusiasm is infectious...and for some odd reason he seams to be getting a little bit too attached to me. Let's see where this is going..

And today being my off day has been pretty good to. I watched "Loving Leah" and "3 Idiots". Bought Freakonomics and a Stephen King book called Gerald's Game.

So far so good...

So what have I learnt?

People are just people. And I learnt that no matter how easy it is to categorize everyone you meet it's just wrong to assume anything. Just because a guy screws his life, seems to be in the wrong company and all does not mean he does not have a good heart. And that's what i always try to find in every human being I meet. A good heart.

I know it sounds all very Mother Theresa-ish. But you will find that sometimes everyone needs a warm hug, a kind smile or a cheery word.

It all boils down to love. And the ultimate sacrifice was the cross. If Christ could lay His life down for me...worthless, sinful and ungrateful lil me..then who am I to judge? Who am I to withhold the love He has put in my heart and NOT share it with others?

That's what I believe with all my heart. And that's what drives me to do the things I do. He loved me first. and I love others back because of Him.

Big words. Big dreams.

2010-03-28T19:20:00.004+10:30

So today i taught my first ever Sunday school class. I enjoyed it.

They did to =) and yes I'm all smiles.

I love big words. They make you sound like you know so much while you really don't.. *hahaha* Yesterday I found this word: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

I showed it to Farmi and Stivi who actually got the pronunciation right =) and then she said it on air.

Work is heaps fun. Like Nadun said "You work in like the coolest job ever.." well not really. But I work in one of the better establishments. And my work mates are really nice. Plus this being my first job makes it so much more. More extraordinary. More different.

And the best part is...it's so much me. I don't know if journalism is the thing for me or if this is just the first step to a career thats far different but I know that's its exciting. It's an adventure and like all adventures you just hold your breath and plunge ahead...

BTW the official longest word is actually a formula: hold your breath it's actually a real beauty

Methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutaminylleucyllysylgl
utamylarginyllysyglutamylgycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolylphenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylgl
ycylaspartylprolylglycyllisoleucylglutamylglutaminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleu
cylisoleucylglutamylalanylglycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylph
enylalanylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylglutaminylaspara
ginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylglycylvalylthreonylprolylalanylgl
utaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionylleucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllys
ylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleucylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanlylasparagi
nylleucylvalylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyrosylal
anylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylsrylvalylleucylvalylalanylaspartylv
alylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphenylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleu
cylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylalanylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolyl
aspartylalanylaspartylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosylg
lycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycylvalylthreonylglycylal
anylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparaginylalanylal
anylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglysylisoleucylserylalanylprolylaspartylgluta
minylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanylglycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylgl
ycylserylalanylisoleucylvalyllysylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleuc
ylglutamylprolylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalylgluta
minylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine

I love big words.

a style that remained the same

2010-03-26T12:53:00.003+10:30

"A girl should be two things: Classy and Fabulous"
Coco Chanel

It is the early 90's and fashion was emodied by "diamonds, dresses and pearls". Outlandish ruffles, larger than life hats, corsets and long, glamourous skirts. Yet despite this one woman dared to change convention and thus change the face of fashion forever.

What struck me about Coco Chanel is that she knew that she was different. And accepted it. She was well ahead of her time and didn't apoligise for it.
Her notable designs including women's trousers, simple cuts for dresses and her signature cardigan jacket most famously the little black dress spoke volumes about a woman who had so much foresight, ingenuity and class.

What struck me about Chanel is her attitude. And her dauntless spirit. She refused to be tamed by social conventions and accept traditional norms. She was a trailblazer. The square peg in a round hole.

What struck me about Gabrielle Chanel is that she did it on her own. Singlehandadly she overthrew an entire institution and paved the way for a revival in the fashion industry.

And what I learnt? Don't give up so easily. Keep believing that I too will make that change. And tha difference. I may not achieve what Chanel did. But I can too can change the world.

"The most courageous act is still to think for
yourself. Aloud"

~Chanel

The final awakening

2010-03-23T12:06:00.004+10:30

While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.
~Leonardo Da Vinci

Today I woke up feeling more aware. Of life...of DEATH. of how 'short' life actually is, and yet how often we agonize over every second that ticks by.

I should really blame it on this dream I had. In my dream I was back in school and I had skipped morning assembly. I was seated in the classroom with another friend and we were talking. Suddenly I got this message from my former school principal.

I thought that she was going to punish me for skipping assembly (coz in my school assembly is like this really big deal). She didn't. Instead she said that I had to pack up and go home...my aunt had died. One of my uncles had come to pick me up as my dad was busy with funeral preparations and dealing with all other finer details.

There are many more finer details but this is the gist of it. And I remember the shock. The pain. It was real. I woke up and for a few moments wondered whether this had actually happened. Thankfully not.

Now I'm wondering about when it's my turn to go. How will I die? Why? What would I have accomplished before I died? What legacy would I have left behind?

Our death is not an end if we can live on in our children and the younger generation. For they are us, our bodies are only wilted leaves on the tree of life. ~Albert Einstein

And it then all boils down to life. Death is not the end..it's not even the picture. Life is. This life I have...like an unwrapped birthday present. Every breath and heartbeat. And guess what? Life and death are the two sides of the same coin. Every moment dies. Right now as I write plenty of seconds and milliseconds have 'died'. Our body cells have died. As much as I breathe in, I have to breathe out.

So I guess when it's really my turn to leave I should recognize death just as much I have recognized life.

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity
GILDA RADNER

Enlarging my territory

2010-03-22T13:56:00.003+10:30

As every working girl knows it's important to mingle and yet keep yourself at a safe distance. I realised that work relationships are like fragile and you have to walk this fine line. It's important to know what to say, when and where. It's equally necessary to make sure that your conduct never gives cause for concern. I.E you have to watch for your own ass.

Now I'm not saying that my work is bad or the peeps are difficult or sumthing..but I'm just saying. I guess these where the thoughts that hit me today morning.

I was also thinking about relationships...

Watching all my friends working their way into, through or out of a relationship I wondered firstly when will it be my turn, and most importantly how will I know?

Having being through a couple of wrecked relationships I'm now like that kid told to light a fire. I know that fire burns but I also know I want that warmth. I want to be burnt all over again..but this time it had better be worth every tinge of pain and pleasure. I am perfectly willing to wait. But sometimes that waiting just gets to you.

Then I was wondering about Adelaide. Life group, Oxygen and everything that goes. *sends out luv to all my peeps back there*..I cannot WAIT to get back.

Wat does the future hold for me? Where will I end up? Yesterday something funny happened...mum was talking about how long we have been living in our crib and she said "we've been there since Akki became president" and we all burst our laughing. Dad was like 'ahh there Akki, a prophecy for you"...

What would it be like if I DID become president? Just another food for thought...

Well I've got get to work..hopefully my latest episodes of House and GG have finished downloading..

The courage that will be

2010-03-10T12:18:00.003+10:30

A wise woman once found a rare gemstone, on her way to a distant village. She placed the stone in her worn out knapsack and continued on her journey. She thought of all the wonderful things she could do with this stone. The children she could feed. She would use this proceeds from selling this stone to help the poor farmers. She smiled, the wrinkles on her face lighting up.

As she continued, she met a weary traveler. Disheveled and worn out the traveler asked her for some food. She gladly obliged and opened her sack to take out the tiny bread rolls she had inside. He spotted the stone. His eyes lit up. The old woman seeing his face animate with joy, wordlessly took the stone and gave it to him. She placed the rolls in his hand, smiled again and walked on.

The traveler resumed his journey with great joy.

The woman went her way.

Later...

The wise woman heard a shout. She turned.

The traveler had come running back.

He returned the stone back to her.

"Thank you for the stone, but please tell me where I can get the courage you had to give the stone away in the first place."

Going back..to that Christmas season

2010-03-09T13:20:00.003+10:30

Here is another piece of writing that I did months back...
Why am I publishing all this? Just to show you that I'm not perfect. I'm flawed. I'm just your average girl next door, going through this life with a lot of unanswered questions. I hope that you realize that no matter how hard life gets, you are not alone in this. No matter what shit you have to face, its not just you. We all have it. Just keep going on.

Sometimes I wish life was a bit easier...like today.

Today we had lunch at Pastor. Roshan’s. And Mum was in a foul mood. I wonder why...the thing with mum getting into a piss of mood is that she gives the silent treatment and has a face that looks like a thunder cloud, and worse it affects the whole family. She is mad at my sis and me both and the only reason I can think of was that she hated our Christmas presents for her and is upset since she thinks Daddy got a better present than she did. Now I know this is incredibly childish but I can understand her. I am so much like her in so many ways.

So what’s the real story?

We had our annual Christmas Angel and mum was a bit miffed because she was not a part of it...and she had done so much for all the girls. So we decided to all contribute and give her something to show how much she meant to us. All of us got her jewelery. And honestly I had no idea what they would pick. They had picked jewelery mum would never in a million years wear. And worse even some of the earrings she would possibly wear...she already had them!!! I knew when I saw the gifts at first that mum was not really gonna wear them...but I didn’t expect her to take it in such bad style.

I am actually very upset as I write this because after all she could at least be gracious. It’s not like we all like the gifts we got. I got this huge bracelet form my angel and I don’t wear bracelets!!! She also got me hoops. I only wear small jewelery now. But I still accepted it and I loved it. It came from the heart. And therefore it means a lot to me. And I know that Chooti went to a lot of trouble to get me those items.

We got Dad this really nice Tee with a picture of him and us saying “I have two gorgeous daughters”. My sisters work of course. I feel so sorry for nangs. She stayed up late last night and made the place nice for the gifts. She even tried to make this 3D heart which didn’t work out though.

I learned an important truth. Never, ever make others feel bad when they do something out of love. Even if I don’t like it, still I will appreciate it and be gracious about it.

I cannot be mad coz I have been in that same place and I reacted ungraciously. Now I know better. I have learned. Thanks God for this lesson. I won’t forget it in a hurry.

I am now going to watch a movie. Maybe that will put some humour back into my life.

Stronger than yesterday

2010-03-09T13:15:00.002+10:30

I remember writing this sometime back. It's amazing how many times I come to the breaking point only to realise that I'm stronger to go on. How many moments I've stood on the precipice and jumped. To find that I could fly. I've fought so hard, only to find that the battle was won.

I'm free.

"Tell me why does Life have to be so complicated? Why do I have to mask my feelings inside? Why can’t I be a normal 22 year old? Why is it that when all my friends are enjoying their weekend I’m faithfully going for church events both morning and evening, Saturday AND Sunday and STILL my life hasn’t changed for the better?

If I were to deny it then I would be false. I’m a grown-up. At the venerable age of 22 I’m just blossoming out and filling in on those curves, I’m now reached my stature as a woman. Yet I’m insecure. I’m childish. I’m brittle. Like a clay pot that cannot stand on its base.

I feel like a reed tossed and turned by the gales from the north and then the east; trying to keep my own opinions and yet being easily persuaded by those not my own. I feel like the captain of a sinking ship; I feel like a pilot flying over uncharted territory; with air traffic control signals down and no map.

Why can’t I simply let my hair down and ENJOY myself? Why cannot I take a risk without considering every possible implication? Why is it that when I start to do something new there are all these “people” who tell me WHAT I should do and WHAT I shouldn’t? It’s not their damn business. I’m trying so hard as it is...I’m doing everything I know is right in their eyes. I’m tired of living life like this. I’m sick of living to make sure their name is protected, their honour maintained and that the name of God is not dishonoured. WHY? Why should I do ALL this when all they do is the exact opposite?

Lord why do I have to pay for their sins? Why do I have to be perfect when they are SOOO far from being perfect? They do all the things they like...and I have to be this perfect model “pastor’s daughter”. I’m sick Lord. Literally sick. It’s not the lack of immunity...it’s the immeasurable pain and sadness that I have to face every SINGLE day.

LORD You know HOW much I hold back. How much I don’t say. How many times I hold my tongue and my temper. How many things I’ve said no to...just because of them. I feel like a little lost girl. Looking for a way out...but in this world dominated by adults I cannot do anything but what I’m told to do.

Eat this. I eat. Drink this. I drink. Stay at home. I stay at home. Come to church. I go. Don’t wear that. Don’t this...do that...do this..don’t this.

I’m a broken girl Lord. Broken, shattered and lost. Terribly lost and lonely. I hold my breath. Count backwards and them smile. Maybe somewhere down this broken road I’ll find my redemption."

COLOUR this

2010-03-09T12:23:00.003+10:30

It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance,
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance,
It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live
~Bette Midler

Picture a child with her crayons, colouring in her picture book. There are given guidelines. Trees are green. Water is blue. Colour within the lines. Stick to what is told.

Life’s like that. We are told to stay within certain social norms, to behave in an “acceptable” manner. We have rules and laws to say what we cannot and can do. To break the code...or to colour outside the lines is taboo. It’s wrong. To change tradition and customs...like colouring trees pink is unthinkable. It makes you a rebel.

I’m tired of sticking to what I’m told to do. What I have to do, of obeying all these rules. Of sticking to my role like an actor’s script.

I want PINK trees...with hues of rosy red and dusty gold. I want AUTUMN.

I want turquoise waters, with a hint of yellow. I want WHITE sand. I want the BEACH.

I want to colour outside the lines, define the roles that are to be played, chose the sets and the costumes. I want to write songs that will be sung in the heavens above. Paint lives that will change the world.

LORD let me LIVE. Let me COLOR every moment in my life to its fullest. Help me draw pictures with EVERY colour imaginable in every moment of my existence.

“I am the woman that holds up the sky

The rainbow runs through my eyes

The sun makes a path in my womb

My thoughts are in the shape of clouds

But my words are yet to come”

(Ute Poem: Chicken Soup for the woman’s soul, Cainfield et al. 1996)

Leaving the bleak behind. Seeing sunnier skies

2010-03-03T01:38:00.002+10:30

Roshie J is pleased to report that she has officially landed her "first job" as a news presenter at a popular local radio station. Her position as trainee news presenter is marred by her fumbling attempts to stop speaking like a happy lil school girl with a high pitched staccato voice and to find regular news updates by the hour.

By some luck (God's grace really) I have landed a nice job. I have one thing to say..it's NOT boring. I've been working two days and I enjoy the working environment, and the people who work there...Carrien, Dino, Tamara, Shewi, Zach (who's trying so hard hitting on Shewi - __-) and all the others whose names I cannot remember...yet (hey's its just DAY TWO.

So what does a news presenter do?

Well firstly we in the news team a primarily responsible for collecting the latest news (loca, international, sports, business and tech), editing them to bite sized, clear, coherent (in other words SMALL) sentences for a news segment about 2 minutes long EVERY HOUR. We also have to go for press conferences, read press releases and update the NewsRadio webpage (check it out here...NEWS RADIO) and doing voice cuts etc. It sounds a lil dull in black & white but the job's interesting (did i mention that before?) and it pays well.

A good thing about working at TNL Radio is that it's innovative, fast-paced and evolving. The station really is one of the best in Sri Lanka.

On a different note my birthday turned out to be pretty good despite my early morning blues...and Shewi is trying to set me up with different random guys...it makes life so much more interesting for her I suppose ;) and I must admit I like the efforts myself...since I cannot be bothered really to go and get one myself. LOL. I like Shewi. She's dramatic, friendly and chatty. Plus she's really nice.

So that's what my life is right now. It's a great change but I long to get back to uni. I miss my peeps back in Addie and hopefully I'll be going back soon.

Till next time.

Today. It feels like familiar grounds

2010-02-26T11:42:00.002+10:30

It's my birthday. So happy birthday to me.
I never felt this lost before.
I woke up and had this vivid image in my head.
In my mind I could see this girl on her knees picking up what appeared to be shattered pieces of glass. There was glass everywhere and this girl kept sighing to herself and I could see tears running down her cheeks as she picked up the pieces.

Her hands were bleeding as the jagged edges of these pieces scarred and broke through her tissue. Yet she continued....not stopping..trying to collect as many pieces as possible.

This girl I then realised was me. And the glass she was picking up her shattered life.

Every piece was a part of the life that I was meant to have and didn't. Each moment..it all hurt.

It's a day I'd like to forget. A day I wish never happened. My birthday. As I wish myself I can only look around and keep picking these pieces.

Dark and cold are the eyes of the night

2010-02-25T20:49:00.002+10:30

His cold dark eyes pierce through the dim lit street and I panicked...I waled faster and faster away praying within that I would find a bus stop.

Sounds like the beginning of a horror story...but it was true. I had never taken this Sunny Isle for being unfriendly, after all don't all tourist advertisement feature beautiful village lasses and happy children? Don't magazine articles rave about how friendly and courteous the Sri Lankan communities are?
Its all beautiful and sunny during the day but wait till the curtain falls and darkness covers the skies.

As I traveled late last night (the time was ONLY 7.30...but out here in this suburban jungle...that's late..especially for a girl). The beasts had awaken...and I was just about to get a glimpse of how terrifying sometimes traveling alone could be. As I got off at the bus stop I looked out for the next bus that I should take...and having found none...I made a calculated mistake. I decided to walk forward and catch a tuk-tuk...instead of taking the safer option and waiting for a bus.

The unfriendly eyes of some tuk drivers scared me. I came across two tuks parked but with no drivers. A dude sitting on his b'cycle stared at me the whole time. I ignored and walked ahead..still no tuks..even more unfriendly eyes followed my every step. Vehicles blared their horns at me impatiently as if I was holding up traffic. Finally I came across another bus stop.
I was safe...thankfully but I never want to travel alone at night like that....its as if the "yakku's" [devils] of old have risen from their slumber and prowl around.

On the other hand life is still tough. I wish I could fast forward to better times or crawl into a shell like Einstein. I'm turning 22 tmrw and I don't feel like celebrating. Things are just too much.

Its all getting bleaker...in fact right now I feel like I'm in the eye of the storm.

I'm also applying for jobs...I hope I get a good one =)

well till tmrw here's wishing myself a happy birthday and sending out love to the world.

What you see is not what you get

2010-02-22T11:55:00.009+10:30

So I must confess...I've taken to wathcing Korean dramas...like our local drama's are NOT dramatic enough LOL.
But I must admit there is something entirely unreal and melancholy about these dramas. I actually feel so SAD after watching it..compared to my usual reactions of disbelief, frustration and angst when I watch other dramas.

Take for example Hindi dramas.....
Now Hindi dramas are unbelievable...really. Everything happens to the featured family (and its USUALLY a family oriented theme). Take for instance Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi, the story about a daughter-in-law (what else?!?) and her antagonist her mother-in law...the story develops from a simple family struggle for control of power into a full blown out family drama where there are fights, songs, love, hatred, revenge, accidents, deaths, marriage (lots and lots of them), babies...you get the picture. Its absolutely insane. And every episode there's something happening to the heroine..in this show the daughter-in-law Tulsi (by the way you're bound to get lost in the generations of family members...there are SO many of them).

Now the Sri Lankan dramas are generally more realistic.
They are family oriented...and end up having a lot of politics in them. They are very politically oriented. Just goes to show how much politics have penetrated every sphere of our existence *big dramatic sigh*
There's usually the corrupt business man, the hapless female, the dominating male, the family estate; the ownership of which is being bickered by generations of family members...there's also plenty of mini-scandals...not like the full blown out Hindi drama scandals.

Now Korean dramas...there are so SAD. I don't get it. Do these viewers get a kick of such MISERABLE connotations? Like for example "Winter Sonata" the one I'm currently watching...
Two high school kids fall in love..the guy a reserved and introverted genius (in nearly everything) and the girl sunny, bubbly, talkative..Miss Popular..who isn't afraid of speaking her mind. They are cruelly separated by fate (in a form of an accident in which the hero loses all his memories) and later (years later) meet again..will sparks fly? Will they never love again? Well even i don't know the ending to that one..I'm still watching it.

So anyways I guess the purpose of dramas (in any country, language or culture) are to bring some color into our otherwise dull existence and to really show us how fortunate we are....I'm thankful I'm not Tulsi or any member of the Virani family...or any other character. They also help us to project our feelings onto the character...we feel what they feel. We are moved along with them..and unlike a film they keep continuing...and often have wayyy more suspense than even a horror movie.

(and yes I'm getting my kick out of watching Winter Sonata...don't ask why..even I don't know)

till next time...ta =)

I am NOT afraid

2010-02-20T13:40:00.003+10:30

I'm not afraid..

I'm not afraid of all the whispers and the rumors flying around

I'm not afraid of the worst possible scenario (and I've pictured it a 1000 times)

I'm not afraid of facing lies with truth, hate with love, pride with humility and giving out smiles when inside I'm tearing up

I'm not afraid of making my stand. I have made my stand.

I'm not afraid of sticking up to my convictions

I'm not afraid of standing up for Your Word

I'm not waiting another day...I'm not giving into the fear that lurks at my doorstep

Say what you must, think what you will,

You can spit on my face and say that I'm a disgrace

But I know who I am. I know what I believe. I just know me.

Mostly I'm not afraid of you or what you can do to me

I won't let your mistakes shadow my life

I'm not gonna let your life determine mine

I'm not afraid of just being me...and of making my own mistakes

Of learning things my own way

"If You are safe about the choices you make
You Don't grow"
~Heath Ledger

Confrontations

2010-02-18T12:56:00.002+10:30

You have to confront your problems...otherwise you'll keep taking it little by little and one day you'll breakdown..and then you won't be there for anybody..and won't be able to deal with anything
~ A very dear friend

Isn't it easier to pick up the pieces of a shattered life one at a time?

Wouldn't it be less painful to deal with the truth one truth at a time?

The time has come to pick up all the pieces and fix it back together...I cannot keep avoiding the issue for so long.

Yesterday while talking to my b.f.f she scolded me for always trying to avoid any issues...she said that I had to deal with what was happening in my life right now..and move on. I had to hear the whole story..get the entire picture.

I fear hearing the whole story. I'm running away from this past which keeps running behind me. I'm trying to avoid knowing because i'm scared of what I'll learn.

I'm don't want to go back into the dark, dusty halls of my memories trying to find out what really happened or if anything happened at all. Maybe somethings are best lest forgotten..some skeletons best left buried...

But I know better. I must walk this road. I must find out the truth. I cannot keep guessing at it anymore....I must confront my worst fears and my nightmares.

Maybe learning the truth would bring in the light to my troubled corners..and would set me free. Maybe picking up all the pieces would cut me but it would be done and then the wounds could heal... and I'd have all those pieces.

The day of not remembering

2010-02-14T16:36:00.008+10:30

The start of an addiction may seem innocent...like a friends offering you that first cigarette, the first swig of alcohol or maybe that porn movie you watched with your friends and had a good laugh over...yet when you return to the solitude of your thoughts then the images play in your mind. The taste lingers in your tongue and your senses are awakened...this new sensation seems harmless..after all its only an occasional indulgence.

It helps you relax you argue with your conscious.

Everyone does it? What harm is there in it?

Its my life..and I've got to enjoy it.

I earned this right to enjoy myself...life is shit as it is and I think I deserve this moments of pleasure...

Little do you realise that these cravings create a deep rift within your soul...and it sears your spirit...the next time you indulge in it your spirit gets more seared and your soul more torn..till one day your spirit dies and your soul gets ripped apart...now you are hooked.

The pleasure gives way to nightmares...

The sweet taste to bitterness and your trapped within this chaotic world of lies..deception...destruction and pain.

What do you do now? You can either get help and admit you have a problem or you can continue...since your conscious is dead anyway.

I don't admire addicts..I must confess that I feel pity for them. I was an addict too once..and I understand them..I do confess my seeming hypocrisy..please forgive me. Its not easy being where I am and trying to make sense of how a person's addictions could spiral out of control and threaten everything within their world. I'm trying to understand the nature of an addiction and how people who should know better become such sad victims to their own weaknesses and allow themselves to be chained.

I know how its easy to get addicted and how hard its to kick an addiction..after all we all are addicted to something.

I remember watching Dr.Phil once...he was interviewing this father who was addicted to porn..and he used to "indulge" in certain dubious activities and it had come to a point where it had ruined his marriage and his relationship with his kids. She was crying so hard...I could see a shattered woman who had lost so much because of her husband's weaknesses...

I guess my venting my anger, angst and frustration like this is a form of release...I'm only trying to make sense of things I can barely grasp, let alone accept and believe.

Life throws some sharp turns and often you cannot see the precipice until your standing near it...then what will you do? I will close my eyes...take a deep breath, offer a prayer and jump. I know that the eternal hands of my Father will be there to catch me.

Walking on a thin sheet of glass

2010-02-12T15:33:00.005+10:30

Image credits~ tisya-amaN@DeviantArt

The smile and the false promises. The sudden changes, the dramatic gestures...does this really mean that you have changed?

I see the fear lurking in your eyes.

I know the story you are trying to hide.

You say it's okay. I've played my part,

I've made them think I've had a change of heart.

Where are you now? Whose arms are you in?

Whose voice puts dark thoughts in your mind?

Which role will you play, which song will you sing?

Remember that you're walking on a thin sheet of glass

I'm scared to see this malady

This changing tunes in the song that you sing

I fear the worst, I cry at night

I cannot run from this scarred and shattered life

I'l say this once and once again

Turn back and leave this life you have made

Don't listen to his words they are dark and insane

Stop playing games, quit this masquerade

Remember that you're walking on a thin sheet of glass

If any lessons I have learnt from your life are this:

Don't waste your time, it won't come back again

Don't lose your self-respect

Don't isolate your heart in your loneliness

Watch your heart and guard its door

Its easy to fall but hard to get up again

One lie leads to another and soon you spin a web of deceit only to find that you're trapped within its silky threads

Be honest and truthful before God Your Maker

He tests your heart and checks your ways

Note: It's harder than ever to watch this vicious cycle of battling the demons of a person's addiction. It takes them down a malicious and dark road. It breaks everything they have worked hard to build and breaks the hearts of those who care.

Its made harder because you feel so helpless...the tears you cry and the fears you face are the demons from their life seeping into your own trying to tear you apart as well. It takes all the faith you got and all the grace He gives to make it through each day.

Its all on paper

2010-02-11T13:52:00.009+10:30

Wanted: A Well mannered, academically and professional qualified girl from a blah,blah family......fair...slim...blah blah...for a son who is....blah.blah..blah

atypical marriage proposal advert here in the Pearl. In our culture the moment a man hits 22 plus a strange battle begins...you would see the elders of the household throw themselves enthusiastically into finding that 'ideal" young woman who would be a fair prospect for their boy.

Typically she should be:

-fair

-well off (a couple of houses and properties, foreign visas and passports etc)

-from a good family (by that I mean the family should be "well off" too and yes they should be the talk of town)

-slim and beautiful

-educated (by this they mean doctors, lawyers, accountants etc..hardly your local mortician or midwife)

-well mannered (by this they mean she does what she is told to do so by her in-laws) etc..etc.

Its amazing how much you an read between the lines and how even today in this modern world people still hold onto those ideals. I mean where are you gonna get such a girl?

Does she exist? Maybe she does and if so I would love to meet her.

Here's my resume and by George I'm proud of it!

22 year old female, olive complexion, vertically challenged with mop of short hair

Unemployed student, living with parents...only assets in the world include a 7 year old vehicle, a dog and a tortoise. Self-opinionated, verbally challenged and headstrong.

Skills include writing, reading, organizing and airing her opinions..basic cooking skills and hates sewing.

Loves children and strays...Future dream includes opening on orphanage for abused kids, abandoned dogs and hopefully becoming a professional writer.

Now tell me which parent wouldn't want THAT for their tall/ slim/fair/ rich/spoilt son???

What lies behind the mask you wear

2010-02-10T13:26:00.005+10:30

Image copyright and credits: Join the Masquerade by ~CiNNeD@DeviantART

Dance as the music swirls through

First the trot and then a waltz

each note bringing its own new chord.

Do you see through your own facade

The lies you tell, the games you play?

Can you hear how hard the music plays

When all you do is dance away?

What happens when the music stops

And the mask you wear is slipping off

Does the show go on or does it end

As everything seems to come out again

But now you change the song thats played

A re-used mask, a costume set

And begin a whole new masquerade

The mask you wear gets hold of you

And even when you think you're through

It grasps your heart and twists your mind

It plays your games and lives your life

Don't think that you can have all the fun

And later undo the web you spun

Every play calls its final curtain, every dance its ending step

Illusions die, the lovers leave

It must all come to this

The end as you see has not yet come

You think you've fooled us all again

But know this now, the light still shines on

And one day your lies will be undone

Understand the hurt you caused

The lives you break like shattered glass

The trail of pain you leave behind

Does not go away with just a smile

The darkened recess of your mind, the little cell you used to hide

Is now your jail, its cold inside

Come back, come back and leave the dance

Life does not go by chance

Come back, the life you lead is not its worth

Turmoil, lust and confusion

The carcasses of temptation

You're only human. You're but a man

And yes we do understand

by: RoshieJ

Roshiej's note: This is written for everyone who has to watch someone they love slip, fall and stumble. For all of you who watch them fight their addictions, temptations and their fumbling attempts to get back again. Once you join a masquerade, it holds its own. The mask gets sewn on and truth becomes fiction, lies become reality. It's the darkened world of a confused soul on its way to its own personal hell.

Fight for them. There's a good person in there captive, bound and chained. Love them despite their weaknesses and lies.

I love you. I understand your pain. I know how hard its to fight an addiction and also to watch someone fight their own demons from hell.

And so 2010 begins...

2010-02-08T13:43:00.004+10:30

It's been a long time and I do apologize for this silence. Its just that I simply did not feel like blogging. And at other times I kept finding excuses to put it off, or things would just happen and I'd forget all about it.

To start the first post for 2010 with on a sombre topic can be justified. I should start off by telling you all my hopes and dreams for this year, the lessons learnt last year and blah. But today looking back 1 1/2 months into 2010 and I see despair, a sense of desolation, disgust, rage and eternal questions.

We had our presidential elections on the 26th of January and congratulations to the incumbent president who won his second term in power for another reportedly 8 years. Another 8 years of His government (no offense to His excellency) and I believe that S.L will be bled dry....or as a person I know put it.."We'd end up being a poorer nation with good roads".

His infrastructure projects are magnificent...another international airport in Hambantota (though why we need another airport is beyond me and why in Hambantota of all the places), a international port, roadways, flyovers etc.etc. But the sad fact is that the smaller and more widely used roads are in total disrepair, the drainage system stinks (literally),a proper garbage collection system is non-existent and while Colombo suffers, down South is being rebuilt :/

Enough bitching. Hopefully they'll get it right this time round.

On a more positive note I have to say I am enjoying my time at home. I started two courses at the Theological Seminary, I'm looking for a temporary job and I caught up with my bffs =).

I promise (oh so faithfully) to write more regularly and keep this blog updated. No excuses, no laziness, no bluffs.

I've got to run since I'm working on this assignment for one of my courses but more details later.

I leave you with this promise which I got from God for this year.

2010: Year of Victories

Ephesians 3:20-21

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

The secret behind great men

2009-12-15T16:10:00.005+10:30

Its a daunting task yet all I want to be is great where ever I am and whatever I am doing. I was thinking of great men today and what makes them so different. I guess its things like integrity, perseverance, endurance, love, discipline, dedication and determination but what defines them? What makes an ordinary somebody a GREAT someone?

Here's what I found on this website:

http://www.aspirenow.com/life_purpose_greatness.html

1. First, greatness comes from maintaining impeccable integrity. By integrity, I mean doing what you say you will do. Integrity is honoring your word. Integrity is following through on your intention without wavering. Integrity is acting and being consistent with your purpose.

2. Second, greatness comes from loving others when love it not given first. Great people do not rely on outside circumstances to dictate whether or not they love others. This definition also means that people like Adolph Hitler were not, in my opinion, great. Because they failed to love others first. In fact, Hitler failed to love others. He was passionate about his purpose, which gave him charisma. But he lacked compassion. And without compassion, there is no love. Love others first and you will increase your greatness.

3. Third, greatness comes from being highly passionate and committed to your higher purpose. This type of passion leads people to think outside the box and come up with creative visions for improving the world. This is a sign of greatness. In addition, this type of greatness is what people often call charisma.

I think its summarized pretty well but I think despite all this a truly great person is a person of FAITH. It takes courage to have faith and faith to build on that courage to move on. I admire people like Mother Theresa, Abraham Lincoln, Nelson Mandela, Corrie Ten Boom among others because they took their courage to the test and passed. Watch your average, everyday mother and you can see that same determination and courage at work..in a different scale but with the same intensity and passion needed to justify their cause.

It doesn't take extraordinary talent, wealth or even situation to become great. It takes a heart willing to risk it all and place their faith in their cause and stand up for their beliefs.

So do I have what it takes to be great? I believe that I do. I believe that everyone does. So what keeps you from becoming truly great? Just yourself. Break your glass ceilings, overcome your fears, step out of your comfort zone and FLY!!!

The Commoner

Read me a poem by a commoner

A verse and rhyme from his soul

On a crumpled piece of paper

A humble story told

Read me a poem by a commoner

whose devil's danced in ink

Yet held his grace and composure

A real human I think

Read me a poem by a commoner

Who fought and won his despair

Yet continued onward and still dared to care

Read me a poem by a commoner

who lived his life unrehearsed

Identified with common folk

from a tear and smile

stained verse...

[this post is dedicated to all the brave soldiers who fought in the war, the mothers and fathers who are struggling even today to build their lives post war and the children who have survived untold horrors. I salute you and honour you for being the unheralded heroes.]

Love always

roshie :)

Breaking the glass ceiling

2009-12-13T17:39:00.003+10:30

Today. I am wallowing in happiness. Life is good. I send out a silent yet resounding breath of thanks to the Almighty for what HE has given to me. Family, friends and lots and lots of love to go around.

I want to share it with the world. Shout it with every breath. Shower the earth with tears of joy and let my smile infect others.

Joy is infectious. So spread it around.

On a different note: What are your weaknesses that prevent you from reaching your true potential? We all have potential. The difference is what we do with it. What are your glass ceilings?

I know what mine are: fear, impatience, controlling attitude, vanity, pride, being headstrong and stubborn and many more =( (really when I think about it the list really can go on and on).

We are all WEAK creatures. Its not a new fact. We all know that we have to work with these weaknesses...and we all are aware that these weaknesses sometimes can be our biggest strengths or our biggest failures.

I'm not going on anything new here. Yet do we dare to break that ceiling?

Today a friend said this to me: I have to find my core values and work on them. I don't have to become anybody..I am myself.

What are your core values?

What defines you?

Things to think about..

Lots of love

roshie :)

Life in technicolor

2009-12-11T12:16:00.002+10:30

I'm now officially bored out of my little grey cells. I do have work to do..like trying to arrange the top floor of our house (which looks like ground zero after a twister)...which looks like a daunting task...I think Hercules should have this as one of his 12 tasks instead of turning rivers and cleaning stables.

Now...I think I'm going to go crack some butt cheek. Or water the garden. Whichever I feel like doing in the next five minutes. haha

More later...brain cells are a little bit dead still.

Loads of love

roshie ;)

I had a dream

2009-12-09T18:12:00.005+10:30

“The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy, when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul that the dream is reality, and it really happened.”
Unknown

In this dream I was in a far away kingdom and there was such a lot of excitement. The old king was passing the throne to his son...the heir and preparations were underway for the coronation ceremony. Everyone was excited and there was such a rush of activity.
In my dream I was one of the prince;s closest friends and I still remember talking to a nervous, anxious and highly exicited man..and encouraging him.

Me: "Its going to be fine..you are going to be an excellent king...you will be a wise, caring and dedicated ruler..." (well something along those lines anyway)
Prince: I don't know..it's such big shoes to fill...how will I ever manage?"
Me: " I know you..you are a courageous and brave man..I know you have it in you..."

Prince was non plussed but still reassured..and everything went according to the plans..the china, the guards, the speech..it was so much work!!!
I remember running around helping with all the preparations, choosing the colors for the tables, helping Prince with His speech etc.etc.

It was such a rush *I had no idea that there was SO much work involved...trust a dream to JOLT me*

Then it happened....

SABOTAGE!

The crown jewels were missing!!!

The very last minute and everything seemed to be falling apart! Prince was devastated and the old king was in such a rage.

I don't remember how the jewels were found but the thief was caught.

I don't know if the poor sod was hanged..but I suppose he was.*thankfully I was spared all that gruesome details*...this really WAS a nice dream... Now the ceremony could go as planned.

The day had arrived and the great halls were filled with dignitaries, foreign royalties, knights, dukes, duchesses, and every other important person. Outside throngs poured out into the streets to see their new king when he made his march through the palace gates...
There was this HUGE balcony where the king sat on one end the the crown prince (along with me and the other ladies in waiting) on the other end...while the throne sat majestically in the middle..waiting to receive the new heir.

Prince had butterflies in his stomach and he kept trying hard NOT to fidget nervously. He spoke to his mum and sisters and then grabbed my hand and squeezed HARD. I still can remember the excitement that I felt. This felt so real.

The ceremony went as planned and the new kind was appointed (or is it anointed?) haha. I don't know. But then just as the ceremony was about to close and everyone was now getting ready to leave to the royal banquet halls for the festivities the prince shouted.."I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT"..everyone (including me) froze. The people who got up to leave returned to their seats as the prince said "Please..Please return to your seats..this is important"

He called me to the balcony and I walked nervously there...

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? (under my breath of course)
Prince only smiled
He then turned to me and took my hand. He said to everyone..
"There is one more thing I have to do in my life...I have been waiting for this moment for a long time"
He then knelt down and asked me to MARRY HIM!!! I was so embarrassed and shocked.

Me: "why are you doing this? There are far better women out there? I'm not even suitable for you?"

I know that in my dream I had tears streaming down my eyes and I tried to run away..but Prince wouldn't let me go.

He said "I know you. You have been an amazing strength to me and you are a wonderful woman..there would be NO finer to take your place...now WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

Of course I said yes!!

The rest of course I am NOT telling...thats my secret ;)
But I promise this dream is as it happened...and I woke up with the goofiest smile on my face. Its so nice to have a GOOD dream for a change.

Love, Roshie :)

This is it.

2009-12-08T12:25:00.002+10:30

I've recovered!!! *pops open bottle of Apple Soda* Now I'm back in action and I've got tons to do.
I helped wrap the Christmas Cake that I helped Dad bake yesterday and we decorated the tree..its not done yet so await pics.

Its going to be a great Christmas. I'm just so happy to be back home. I didn't realise the extent to which I had been stressed out in Adelaide until I came back here. Now I'm amazed that I made it through the year. But I'm going back. I know I am.
So what have I learnt?
This past week I've been reading Joyce Mayer's "Leader in the Making" and its spoken oodles to me.
Firstly I was reminded the importance of keeping control of my emotions. I'm a very volatile person. And I have a quick, hot temper. God reminded me again that I cannot let loose every time I felt like it..even if I was right. I had to control my temper and watch my tongue.

I was also reminded the importance of my heart attitude. No matter what I do for God or for others, I have to do it with a right attitude. For God the right heart matters so much. Its better to do little with with the right attitude than much for all the wrong reasons.

Somehow I've felt a lot of peace back home. I'm praying better, reading God's word with more joy and I'm happy. Its great to be here and have a chance to start fresh. To be given a chance at striking in the game.

I've gotta go..but here's to an awesome Christmas
Loads of love
roshie :)

I need to save myself

2009-12-04T19:14:00.004+10:30

I was reading this "self-help" article which made a lot of sense to me. I have been feeling guilty about certain things I've done and wishing I could return and change things. Its been eating me alive and I haven't had proper sleep for days because of this issue. I need to let it go...I need to feel release and have some sleep. To those who I hurt I pray everyday for God's blessing upon you and I ask for forgiveness. I never meant any harm.

So moving on to "10 simple ways to save yourself from messing up your own life" by Adrian Savage

Stop taking so much notice of how you feel.

How you feel is how you feel. It’ll pass soon. What you’re thinking is what you’re thinking. It’ll go too. Tell yourself that whatever you feel, you feel; whatever you think, you think. Since you can’t stop yourself thinking, or prevent emotions from arising in your mind, it makes no sense to be proud or ashamed of either. You didn’t cause them. Only your actions are directly under your control. They’re the only proper cause of pleasure or shame

2. Let go of worrying. It often makes things worse.

The more you think about something bad, the more likely it is to happen. When you’re hair-trigger primed to notice the first sign of trouble, you’ll surely find something close enough to convince yourself it’s come.

3. Ease up on the internal life commentary.

If you want to be happy, stop telling yourself you’re miserable. People are always telling themselves how they feel, what they’re thinking, what others feel about them, what this or that event really means. Most of it’s imagination. The rest is equal parts lies and misunderstandings. You have only the most limited understanding of what others feel about you. Usually they’re no better informed on the subject; and they care about it far less than you do. You have no way of knowing what this or that event really means. Whatever you tell yourself will be make-believe.

4. Take no notice of your inner critic.

Judging yourself is pointless. Judging others is half-witted. Whatever you achieve, someone else will always do better. However bad you are, others are worse. Since you can tell neither what’s best nor what’s worst, how can you place yourself correctly between them? Judging others is foolish since you cannot know all the facts, cannot create a reliable or objective scale, have no means of knowing whether your criteria match anyone else’s, and cannot have more than a limited and extremely partial view of the other person.

5. Give up on feeling guilty.

Guilt changes nothing. It may make you feel you’re accepting responsibility, but it can’t produce anything new in your life. If you feel guilty about something you’ve done, either do something to put it right or accept you screwed up and try not to do so again. Then let it go. If you’re feeling guilty about what someone else did, see a psychiatrist. That’s insane.

6.Stop being concerned what the rest of the world says about you.

Nasty people can’t make you mad. Nice people can’t make you happy. Events or people are simply events or people. They can’t make you anything. You have to do that for yourself. Whatever emotions arise in you as a result of external events, they’re powerless until you pick them up and decide to act on them. Besides, most people are far too busy thinking about themselves (and worry what you are are thinking and saying about them) to be concerned about you.

7. Stop keeping score.

Numbers are just numbers. They don’t have mystical powers. Because something is expressed as a number, a ratio or any other numerical pattern doesn’t mean it’s true. Plenty of lovingly calculated business indicators are irrelevant, gibberish, nonsensical, or just plain wrong. If you don’t understand it, or it’s telling you something bizarre, ignore it. There’s nothing scientific about relying on false data. Nor anything useful about charting your life by numbers that were silly in the first place.

8.Don’t be concerned that your life and career aren’t working out the way you planned.

The closer you stick to any plan, the quicker you’ll go wrong. The world changes constantly. However carefully you analyzed the situation when you made the plan, if it’s more than a few days old, things will already be different. After a month, they’ll be very different. After a year, virtually nothing will be the same as it was when you started. Planning is only useful as a discipline to force people to think carefully about what they know and what they don’t. Once you start, throw the plan away and keep your eyes on reality.

9. Don’t let others use you to avoid being responsible for their own decisions.

To hold yourself responsible for someone else’s success and happiness demeans them and proves you’ve lost the plot. It’s their life. They have to live it. You can’t do it for them; nor can you stop them from messing it up if they’re determined to do so. The job of a supervisor is to help and supervise. Only control-freaks and some others with a less serious mental disability fail to understand this.

10. (I changed this one coz I really don't agree with what he says O__O) Don't give in to pressure.

To give into pressure is to let go of your own inner convictions and strengths. If you are pressured to feeling guilty by yourself or by others remember nobody is perfect. Not even you. You have no right to judge yourself or others and others certainly have no right to judge you. Who knows what wrongs they have done in their own lives? Remember pointing a finger at someone means three are pointing back at ya!

Sounds good? Its simple, sensible and its the truth. Thanks Adrian Savage...
Access more of his stuff at: http://www.lifehack.org

More later
Love, Roshie

Fearless

2009-12-02T15:49:00.003+10:30

The title of the Taylor Swift album I am currently listening to and also to my perspective. I have nothing more to fear. Today I have a clean slate, to start over and rebuild my life. I have reassurance. God honors my faith. He is also going to answer my prayer. The one I have been crying out to God with every beat of my heart.
He is in control. I am now looking forward.

Its a beautiful day outside. The weather could not have been more perfect. And I have just recovered from a horrible attack of flu which I must add is getting recurrent. I seem so susceptible to fall prey to colds...which leaves me on bed for a week. This time round it just got me for a day.

Today is my day. I'm going to enjoy every minute of it in thanksgiving to the God who gave it to me, to my wonderful family, friends and well wishers. I'm popping on some good music and soaking in all the love. I am not ashamed to say that I deserve this. ALL of it. It's been sometime coming. Now I have to catch up with friends, get a job, and settle in. God's got a plan. I'm walking on the right paths. It's all a matter of time.

There will be mountains that I will have to climb

And there will be battles that I will have to fight

But victory or defeat, it's up to me to decide

But how can I expect to win If I never try.

I just can't give up now

I've come too far from where I started from

Nobody told me the road would be easy

and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me

Never said there wouldn't be trials

Never said I wouldn't fall

Never said that everything would go the way I want it to go

But when my back is against the wall

And i feel all hope is gone,

I'll just lift my head up to the sky

And say help me to be strong

I just can't give up now

I've come too far from where I started from

Nobody told me the road would be easy

and I don't believe he brought me this far to leave me
"Mary Mary: Can't give up now"
Lyrics courtesy of AZlyrics

Christmas cake

2009-11-27T21:36:00.005+10:30

Life is as exotic as Christmas cake
Roshie

I'm enjoying the season here. Yesterday was choir practice for our English Christmas program at church and today I helped Dad make the Christmas cake. It is so much work!!
But I enjoyed every bit of it (and of course swiping off batter when Dad's not looking)...heh heh. This is all about Christmas...and its the best celebrated at home. I'll be going Christmas shopping with my sis next week...and its my best friend's 22nd as well. It really is the most wonderful time of the year.

But back to more serious issues...I still am clueless as to what I'm supposed to do next. I wish I knew. My heart wants to go back to Australia but I don't know whether that's where my destiny lies...I'm in this place where all these roads are before me and I don't know what to do, where to go or what I'm going to be.

I was thinking of pursuing law here. Maybe I could become a great lawyer...probably do international and business law???

Still wondering, still waiting...

I've got so much to learn...so much to discover and my biggest fear is that I will live an unfulfilled life.

I won't let that happen. I won't.

Love, Roshie

So this is christmas

2009-11-25T20:38:00.002+10:30

Christmas has hit home early..as usual. The mad rush to find carols, finish the christmas cake, decorate the house and make all the visitations has begun. I'm caught up in the midst of it..relishing every moment because I know that this Christmas is going to be great.
Dad's listening to Christmas carols, sister's studying for exams and moi? I'm hunting every possbile Christian christmas song I can find to go with this year's cantata theme "Jesus is the answer". I found this old song by Andre Crouch which I think fits the bill...hope mum likes it.

I'm also looking for jobs..I got this job to work in the marketing team of a up and coming fashion mag...called...wait for this..."THE Fashion Magazine"''LOL. Yes it doesn't get more original than that. It's a great concept...to be Sri Lanka's only Fashion mag...currently we don't have a magazine focusing exclusivly on fashion and this venture aims to do just this and also tie-in a fashion t.v for S.L.

The issues? Its going to be both in Sinhala and English. And its giong to cover a vast area of articles including politics, finance, crime, cooking etc...which I believe defeats the purpose. And the management is really poor. But they are still forging ahead. I'm supposed to find contacts and get advertising deals for them. Trouble is...mum and dad aren't so keen on me doing the job..I on the other hand want t try something new and this sounds like fun.

I'm also starting to give classes...from next week. I'm still waiting for my new phone number and my own internet connection. Shouldn't be too long.

It's thundering...and I should be off. It's been raining so much.
Till next time
Love, roshie :)

Back home

2009-11-22T18:11:00.004+10:30

Got home yesterday... and now relaxing. I love being back home. I'm being such a lazy pig..so lazy that I wanted to put off writing this post O__O
First of all it was eventful getting here. Sumie, Shi Wei, Alison, Weifen, Sheelaine, Yong LIng and Ashika all came to the airport to see me off. I was really touched to see them there. Luv u guys loads and loads. I really am going to miss you.
The Qantas flight was uneventful..and I reached Singapore, had a bagel with hot mocha (yums!) and took Cathy Pacific back.
Word of advice: Don't ever take Cathy Pacific. Honestly the inflight entertainment system was awful..even Qantas was far better and they served peanuts! At 10.30 p.m. Who eats peanuts at that time???

The flight was from Hong Kong to Colombo with a stop over at Changi...andto my surprise a whole bunch of Indonesians got in...I was surprised because I didn't know that Indonesians worked in Sri Lanka. We Sri Lankas are very picky with whom works for us. We usually hire only Sri Lankans. I was seated at the back with all of them and the lady next to me was sweet but I really was too tired and pissed off to be very nice. I apologize but she kept invading into MY personal space! Back off lady! She adjusted my pillow...I put in in the front on my knees and she took it and shoved behind me...I was shocked. She kept trying to do things for me but I kept ignoring her. I know she was trying to be nice and all but in my defense I was exhausted and wanted to be left alone.

I remember how she ate her in-flight meal and kept back the toblorone bar in her handbag...it reminded me of when I first took a plane way back in 1994 to India...I kept back the candy too...hehehe. It was a novelty at that time.

Got home to be surprised by the girls. Manju, Sharon, Zara and Rosy. I was really touched that they kept up all that time waiting for me to come. I really am a blessed girl..I have such awesome friends..

Now I'm being spoilt. And loving every minute of it. This week promises to be fun :)
More later
Love, roshie

Till we meet again

2009-11-18T09:17:00.003+10:30

This I believe will be my last post here in Adelaide. My internet quota will run out today and I will have no time after this till I go back to write.
Yesterday was a good day. I had lunch with Ishan. We went to Cafe Michael on Rundle Street, it was a Thai restaurant but soon we realized that it was distinctly Australian. We ordered this prawn curry and some Penang Beef curry with rice. The food was not spicy at all (so unlike Thai food) but it was yummy. And then for desert I had Cheesecake Springrolls!!! When I saw that on the menu I was like "Ishan, I have to try this". It was the most original dish I had eaten so far. Usually spring rolls are spicy and they have this vege or meat filling but this was filled with a thick creme that filled your mouth the moment you bit into it, it also tasted cinamony.

I enjoyed lunch..hehe. Ish is such an easy person to talk to. He's really nice. I was so happy to hear that he had gotten engaged to his girlfriend. Later I came home, cleaned up my room and did some shopping at Coles. I got lots and LOTS of chocolates.

Now of course I'm flat out broke. *sigh* I can't wait to get some money.
I had dinner with Sumie and Anjai at East Taste on Gouger, where they had fried squid tentacles (which was yums) and I had this red bean pancake...and of course lemon lime bitters.

This reminds me...
things that I am going to MISS about Adelaide:
1.A. Paradise Community Church.
1. Cibo's mochachino (such awesome coffee...plus its so close to where I stay and is open till late hours in the night)
2. Lemon Lime bitter
3. Lamingtons
4. O-Ban
5. Nutella
6. Easy walking distances within the city

and many more. I'm running out of time..so I have to be quick. But there are a lot of things I am going to miss about Adelaide and Australia.

Sumie slept over at my place last night and it was really good to catch up with her for the final time, just the two of us. We had a long heart-to-heart and slept at only around 5.30 a.m.

Then it was brunch with Uncle Mike and Aunty chew Har and now I'm running for lunch with Belinda...later meet Aunty Ranjana and then a dinner and mid night movie premiere (New Moon) with the girls...

Tomorrow is my room inspection, my meeting with Pas.Nina and evening with Aunty Christine. Friday it's lunch with the S.L crowd, coffee with Sheena, FNC and then the long-awaited sleep-over at Ally's place.

I really have enjoyed this week..I've been so busy catching up and going around and I've been eating so much.
So content.

I've got so much more to write about but I have to rush off soon anyway.
I just wanted to take the time to write about Adelaide and what it has done to me but now the words fail me. What can I say? This place has changed me so much. I've learned so much, made my mistakes, had many tears and laughs. Enjoyed all my moments. I know I'm going to miss this place terribly.

Thanks Adelaide. For being the lil town that you are. For all the moments and memories. If every I had to start all over again I know I'll come back. There's a charm about this city that I didn't find in Melbourne and my friends haven't found in any other city in Australia.

*sigh*..I'm getting all emotional. Time is slipping so fast. And I've got only 2 more days here.
Au revoir Adelaide...I hope that I will come back soon.

Love, Roshie.

In the light of things

2009-11-17T07:52:00.003+10:30

I must confess that I do tend to lie...little white lies...and I want to apologize. To be fair I have not told any untruths here on this blog but I do tend to find myself where it suits me to change my story to make it sound better or to get out of trouble.
I am truly sorry. I am not perfect. I'm still that piece of clay that God is molding.

Yesterday I had lunch with Kiran at Sushi Train, it was the first time I had eaten there and I enjoyed it. We had octopus pancake, sushi with fish eggs (which tasted very salty), salmon and sushi, this seafood pancake balls thingy, and something else I cannot remember. For desert we had Madelaines, which were a bit hard, tiramisu (which was yums) and green tea ice cream (which we couldn't finish and is still in my fridge).
And as per usual we had tons and tons of laughs. We discussed everything from Brooke in B&B being a bad grandmother, to grandmothers in general...then to our lives, our weirdest dreams, movies, housemates, etc.etc. I love you Kiran.

Dinner with Joshua and Bryan at Hogs Breath in Glenelg. I had prime rib with veges and curly fries. Later we had coffee. It was really good to hang out with them. Joshua, Bryan, you guys have really inspired me. Having some so far I can only see the transforming power of God at work in your lives...I believe great things are in store for you.

Remember how I complained that this week was going to be tough? Well thank God its turning to be a wonderful, wonderful week.

Today is lunch with Ishan, and then shopping with Sumie and Shi Wei at Marion..can you believe that I have never been there before? Its the biggest shopping center in S.A. I MUST go there, just to say I've been.

More later...
Peace and out,
Love, Roshie

Influencer

2009-11-16T08:14:00.004+10:30

Final Sunday service. I got late waiting for Yong Ling, and when we arrived it was about 15 minutes into worship. I felt so emo, I guess it was because this was my final service in Church and I was going to miss this so much.

Later during the service Pas. Mark and Pas. Nina called Chris, Christine, Mei Lyn, Shi Wei and me to the front and prayed for us. I didn't know Mei Lyn was leaving but she was going to Melbourne. He had a word for each of us. I still remember what he told me.

He said that I was wondering at this difficult time where God was and what was He doing. But in this time the the thing that caused me distress would be used by God to fulfill all the deepest dreams and desires of my heart.
I cannot remember what else he said exactly...I did tell you that my short term memory span equals that of a goldfish.

After church I said all my good byes and I left...had to go send this parcel back to S.L. And I must thank Yong Ling without whom that would have been possible. He carried a 30 k.g. box down 2 flights of stairs and then helped me get it there. Thanks Yong.

Spent dinner with Aunty Janaki and Uncle Raju. I got lots of advice from Aunty Janaki...most of which I will treasure. I know it came from a heart full of love and concern.

I'm going to do some laundry now. Time I got it done. *sighs* and wash the bathroom...and arrange the room. Final days.

Till then
Much love
Roshie

The point is...

2009-11-15T03:10:00.004+10:30

(image courtesy of Deviant Art)

Today was eventful. I met up with Rosalyn and her friend, who purchased two tops from me. After that I had lunch with Joyce. It was nice to catch up with a girl who I believe has a beautiful heart and who is a very very friendly person. I remember first meeting Joyce......

It was the beginning of the year and Christine wanted me to bring this new girl to lifegroup. I as always said alright and called her up. She sounded very nice...but you really cannot tell from the voice alone. On Wednesday I went up to meet this person for the first time. I set the place at China town and I remember distinctly that I was wearing a Pink Polo Top and a Beige short skirt.

I told her to look out for me, I was wearing a pink tee. After looking out and making several calls I finally saw her. We walked to Village and Igave her my "welcome to Adelaide" prep talk...gosh I do know how to gabber on.
She was very shy that first meeting, and seemed friendly enough. But soon she made friends and settled in.

I love Joyce because she has such a sweet disposition. She's a very good-natured and soft-spoken person. You can't help but like Joyce. She's such a dear.

Later on, I went to my last Seeker's meeting. Pas. Mark was preaching. He preached his "AussievBarbie" sermon which was a hit with those in the meeting and I said my final good-byes. They got Pas. Mark to pray for me and I was given a gift. It was a plaque with a beautiful verse...I cannot remember it right now...its too early in the morning. But I loved it just the same.

I was touched by all their love but I realized that they didn't know that I was leaving. It was a surprise to most of them, and they didn't know what to say. Samson was especially surprised and he seemed lost for words. He could see that this was a difficult time for me.

I don't know why but every time someone encourages or prays for me, I feel so much worse. It must be because I know what they will say. I know that words fail them. Sometimes I wish they would just get that I understand. They don't really need to say anything. I just want a warm hug, a firm handshake. A kind look.
You don't need to say anything. I'm tired of repeating my story. It just gets more painful every time. I am so scared that I would just burst into tears.
I know that everyone feels sorry for me. They wish I didn't have to go. I understand what they are feeling. I know.
But don't feel sorry for me. DON'T!!!
I am going to be fine. I AM GOING TO BE FINE.

(Image courtesy of Deviant Art)

I'm just a tad bit frustrated. I want this week to end so badly. I want to run home and hold Batti's hand and just cry and cry and cry. I know she will understand. She won't have to say a word but she will get it.

Well..here's to a tough.tough week. I'm going to need everything I've got and more to go through this.

But I also know that I can become stronger. I will do this. I will rise above. I will be strong.

Love Roshie.

Packing blues

2009-11-13T11:39:00.004+10:30

Packing is such a lot of work. I've got so many things, and my 20 kgs weight limit has blown out of proportions. So now I've got the following alternatives:

a. Ship the excess weight by air or ship
b. Increase my baggage allowance by the airline. Hopefully this works out. I would need another excess weight of about 20 kgs.
c. Simply pack them all and pay for all the excess weight (a bad idea but another possibility)

And I need to buy another bag...so next week I'm on a shopping spree.
Next week promises to look to be very very busy *sighs*

Other than that I had a lovely date yesterday with Shi Wei. We watched a movie, and had a snack. It was nice to spend some time with her. Don't think I'll ever get that chance again.
I wanted to watch Michael Jackson's This is it, and so we went to Palace cinema on Rundle street.
The counter was closed since they had just implemented a new system which NONE of the staff knew how to operate. We waited for about 15 minutes, only to find out that the movie was in Nova, the cinema just on the other side of the road. So we walked there, purchased our tickets and went in.

Now the firs thing we noticed was that the air-con was not working. The hall was stuffy and warm. This is unacceptable under normal circumstances but on a day where the temperature was topping at least 40 degrees, it was abominable. We both decided to complain walked out to the counter. The poor lady was having her own troubles trying to make bookings for a show for some seniors. The system had her completely stumped. Now she had to deal with us as well.

The air-con was on, she said but was unable to keep up with the heat. "oh well" we thought. Its only for two hours. And we walked back in. The cinema hall had only us, another school girl and this other couple. It was otherwise deserted.

When the screen started rolling we knew we had another issue. The movie was horrible. There was double layers and there was a static making it hard to understand what the people were saying. Again we walked out to complain.

I was surprised that the others were content to watch this horror without complaint but I reckon that the couple may have had other things in mind...they were seated on the very LAST row of the hall, and school girl couldn't have cared less.

The lady at the counter then called the technician and told us that it would take some time but the movie would be repaired, I was having none of that. We changed out tickets to watch another movie, this one showing at Palace (which meant waling again) but the good news was that we would be in time for that show and walked out.

The Time Traveler's wife was really good. First it had Eric Bana (He's so good looking), it was romantic, the air con was in perfect working condition making the hall nice and cool and we both had wanted to see this movie.

So it all worked out for good. Then we went to Hungry Jacks. I enjoyed our conversation. It was just the two of us and I really learned a lot about Shi Wei. She is an amazing person, with a beautiful heart. I'm going to miss her when I go.

B.t.w my packing blues have been taken care of. I'm so surprised but its all worked out for so little cost. Plus I get to ship 40 kgs!!! Isn't that awesome? God is so good. I only prayed for it about 15 mins and the answer was there.

Now I have to get the whole thing sorted out and sent it off on Sunday. After that its a matter of going back home. Most of my stuff here are getting sold. Others are being given away. I've only got to make a few last payments and settle some bills. Other than that I'm all set to go.

I'm only awestruck and humbled by His grace and incredible love. If only the world would accept Him. They are missing out on so much.

I've got to go...this is going to be a busy weekend.
Peace
Love, Roshie

What just happened

2009-11-12T11:26:00.004+10:30

Yesterday caught up with the girls, and had a marvelous time. Christine, Sheelaine, Sumie, Shi wei Weifen (aLLy couldn't make it) and I. We went to Vietnam Star House on Gourger for dinner and then to Cibo. It was great hanging out with them. It made me realise (again) how much I was going to miss all of them.
Christine and Chris are driving to Melbourne on Monday and that will be the last of them in Adelaide for some time. I'm thrilled for them of course. God has such great things for them.
Shi Wei had just finished her final paper and now she's "unofficially" graduated.
So far my dates are filled up with lots and lots of catching up with friends before I leave, packing, lunches, dinners, movie dates, etc.etc.
And the best thing is that I cannot wait to get back home. My family and friends back home miss me so much and they cannot wait to see me. It feels so good to be loved and missed.

I'm in a very productive mood today. And I'm going to get lots and lots done. If only I could STOP sneezing.
Well what's next is a movie date with Shi Wei or Chocolate Bean with Ally...wonder which will work out.

I've got to get back to my packing..I know I've been packing for so long, its just that there is so much stuff and I really am at a loss as to how I am going to get rid of it all.
I finally watched Driving Miss Daisy. The movie was a tad bit boring for me but I loved the underlying theme. It really was a daring movie for its time. The last scene was the most touching. It brought tears to my eyes to see Hoke feeding Miss. Daisy pumpkin pie.

Peace,
Love, Roshie.

All about you

2009-11-11T17:53:00.002+10:30

I found this post in my previous blog.
This poem is written from my heart to yours. I hope that you will be touched and that you will share this message with others.

" Be rest assured, if you walk with Him and look to Him, and expect help from Him, He will never fail you"
George Mueller

I do not know your problems, I may not understand.
the road you're traveling is lonely.
The path is shifting sand.

It's all in bits and pieces and I cannot help you bridge
The pain that you are feeling
With the life you must now fix.

"Just hold on" they all say and look away.
"You'll make it through the rain"
But who can stitch the broken ends
and heal the unending pain?

You think "I can do this, I do not need you help,
My belief's will keep me standing,
My strength will pull me through."

I know that you are strong, I know that you're not a fool
I know that in due time
You're going to make it through.
But in your heart there's that broken piece,
So what are you gonna do?

Will you keep running away?
Will you keep denying the pain?
Its only time that will tell the tale
Of a life that ends in victory or shame.

It always strikes me, and it is very peculiar, that when we see the image of indescribable and unutterable desolation - of loneliness, of poverty and misery, the end of all things, or their extreme - then rises in our mind the thought of God.

Vincent Van Gogh

Yeah right, you're not a believer. Save that for when your among your friends and you want to appear all together. Keep fooling others but you can't fool yourself. When all is said and done, you need help. And the help you need can only come from God.

Today's the day of reckoning. What's you choice going to be? I know that this seems unfair, but I was there once. It was only my fear of death that kept me from death itself. I came to the edge of life and I know that it was Divine hands that held me when i fell.

Friend I want you to have everything you desrve and much more. But it comes only one way. You know that way. the path is before you.
what will you choose?

the downside

2009-11-10T19:49:00.004+10:30

What goes up...must come down. Today is a down day. Seeing everyone else complete their exams and get ready to celebrate their summer in style just impounds into me how different it is for me. I don't have the privilege of sitting for my exams. I worked so hard this semester and enjoyed my subjects so much. I did well for my tutorials and my assignments. But all that was for nothing. In the end I have nothing to show for it.

Its harder for me also because I love to study and learn. I know learning is not confined to the classroom but its university. Its my college degree. It means so much to me. And I don't understand why God doesn't want me to have this.

What more can I do now? I am returning home worse than a failure. I didn't fail. I didn't get a chance to even try. Today I look about and I see all these undergraduates and I wish so much that I was one of them. If your an undergraduate and you are reading this...please understand how much privilege you have. How much luckier you are and that there those like me who can only look at your life and not have it.

I don't know what I'll become or where I will be but for now I can safely say that I can't wait to leave this place and go back home. Staying here is just becoming more and more difficult. Each day now a painful reminder of what I have lost.

I apologize for being morose. I'm just feeling. That's all. I right now have no where to let any of this out and the best way I can think of is to write it all down. I guess it helps me clear my thoughts, and to let it out. Once its out then I felt like I have dealt with it in an aspect.

Well..I feel better..
I was just now spending time with a friend who had a tiff her b.f. watching her reminded me of how I used to fight with the last guy i dated. The memories were fresh.
The tense, agitation. Waiting for the phone to ring, fighting via sms...aha...reminiscing. I understood her perfectly. I was in that situation. The good news was they kissed and made up. My story didn't have such a rosy ending. I called it off.

Well I enjoyed watching countless movies. Tomorrow I must get back to packing. I'm also getting some more clothes..

Well..im off...gonna watch more movies..hehehe
Life is beautiful again.

Love always
Roshie

You-tubing gems

2009-11-09T19:37:00.006+10:30

I'm so bored...again. Somehow with time to kill and little else to do..I decided to randomly type different words in you tube and upload the ones that I found rather interesting.

1. Words: Darcy
Series: LOST IN AUSTEN
Wikipeida describes this series as :
... a four-part 2008 British television series for the ITV network, written by Guy Andrews as a fantasy adaptation of Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Loosely following the plot of Austen's novel, it sees a modern girl somehow transported into the events of the book via a portal located in her bathroom.

And I am rather enjoying it. Its something I would like to do. What would it be like to step back into an entirely different era? To a time forgotten and dwell amongst people lost in the sands of time. Frankly the characters are witty and the conversation does keep to the style of the book.

2. Words: old forgotten house
Battlelore, a metal band focuses its songs from J.R.R Tolkein's Middle earth. Their style of music is a mix of goth metal with fantasy, melodic death metal and folk metal. I find it intriguing.

3. Words: Dusty old attic
Next up is a vintage film clip. In a complete Charlie Chaplin style three men make bundling attempts to get an apple from the tree. Its really hilarious.

4. Words: Insensitive cat
I found this really well done crossover of two movies, for Ronan Keating's When You say nothing at all. Enjoy. I loved it =).

5. Words: The lighthouse
I loved this song the minute i heard it. Its going on my Jukebox. Amity Dry has an awesome voice!!! Wonder how I never heard about her before.

6.Words: Scattered Petals
Another gem. I found this short film about two lovers who are separated by an unseen gulf. It really tries to portray loss, unhappiness and lost love.

Well..thats it for now. The joy of this has worn off -___-
I feel better. Its been a fun experiment =)
More later

Love, Roshie

She went away with the summer days

2009-11-09T12:46:00.002+10:30

The official countdown: 13 days more.
I decided against going out and finally started packing. And I realized that I have so many things!
As I am emptying out my room..I look around and realise the many, many memories that haunt this room. The next owner of room 3 in townhouse 37 will be left behind a long legacy. Here I cried, laughed, entertained, studied, and it was practically my entire life in here.

Somehow I have 13 days more and nothing much to do...except wait. Its insane really....can't wait to go back home.

Now you wish you never knew...

2009-11-08T21:42:00.002+10:30

I am bored out of my tiny little grey cells...so I decided to finally succumb to the pressure of having absolutely nothing to do and actually do this horribly, lengthy quiz. Good luck reading through it. I needed it just to finish it.

The Basics

Hair Color: Brown, Black...
Eye Color: Hazel, Chestnut Brown, Chocolate, Mocca..watever.
Height: vertically challanged.
Profession: Urban Bohemian Activist
Relationship Status: Single and unavailable.
Religious Views: Believe in God, Son and Holy Spirit.
What’s Your Sign?: Pieces
Any Siblings?: One. Sister.
Shoe size: 6 (Aus size), 37-38 (American)
Where were you born?: 1988
Innie or Outie: outie
Righty or Lefty?: righty
Any pets?: Dog, Dog, Tortoise and maybe a ferret or hamster
What month were you born in?: Feb

My Favorites

Favorite Color: Blue
Favorite Car: Jaguars, Volvo and BMW
Favorite Movie: Homeward Bound.
Favorite Hobby: Spreading her opinions.
Favorite Song/Singer: Its my life~ Bon Jovi
Favorite Book/Author: The Bible~ God
Favorite School Subject: Break. Followed by effective Speech, Literature and Economics
Favorite Vacation Destination: Nuwara Eliya Sri Lanka
Favorite Food: Whatever's in the fridge.
Favorite Restaurant: My parent's kitchen
Favorite Animal: I love all animals...they taste great (srry..I had to..I'm dying here)
Favorite Store: Bookstore (any bookstore)
Favorite Celebrity : Ellan Degeneres
Favorite Childhood Friend: So many...where do I begin?
Favorite Childhood Memory: Playing make believe games with Sis...
Favorite Baby Name: Anna Josephine
Favorite Person In Your Life: My mum and Dad...and my sis.
Favorite Facebook Application: Notes
Favorite Possession: My laptop (its the only thing keeping me entertained)
Mall Store: hmmm....
Favorite Holiday: Christmas
Favorite Flower: Hibiscus
Favorite Ice Cream: any Ben & Jerry’s
Favorite Smell: Fresh clean laundry
Favorite Drink: Lemon Lime Bitters
Favorite Cartoon Character: Punky Brewester and Winnie the Pooh

This or That

Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate
Coke or Pepsi : Neither.
Facebook or MySpace: Facebook
Summer or Winter: Spring for crying out loud. WTH is SPRING!!!!
Cats or Dogs: Both
Boxers or Briefs: Both...depending on my mood
Rain or Shine : Shine
Chips or Popcorn: Popcorn
Salty or Sweet: both
Plane or Boat: Plane...I get seasick but never planesick...strange.
Morning or Night: I'm the early bird that gets the worm.
Movie or Play: Both
Walk or Drive: Both
Money or Love: LOVE!!!!!! Love love love!
Breakfast or Dinner: dessert
Paint or Wallpaper: paint – wallpaper never comes off!
House or Apartment: House.
Truth or Dare: Dare...anytime.
Silver or Gold: White gold...for now.
Diamond or pearl: Alexandrite – the real thing
Sunset or Sunrise: Sunrise.
Phone or in person: In person
Oldest, middle, youngest or only child: Oldest
Indoor or Outdoor: Both. Again depending on my mood
Man or woman: I’m a woman …. I love men.

Do You?

Have Any Children: no.
Smoke: Never
Drink: Seldom
Exercise: rarely. Im really a lazy bum.
Spend Your Life On Facebook: Yes..Im a FB addict.
Love Your Job: I will...when I get one.
Like To Cook: Yes. If there is someone to appreciate it.
Play An Instrument:
Sing: From 2nd grade through 12th – and now in the shower and in church choir
Dance: when no one is looking
Write: on this blog
Do you wish you lived somewhere else?: Rite now...I don't want to leave Adelaide.
Do you like roller coasters?: Never been on one.
Enjoy spending time with your Mother?: Of course.
Ever think about the price of gasoline?: yes...everytime my dad starts the car.
Sleep with a fan on?: All the time back home.
Have a good handle on spelling?: Yes.
Ever type “kik” instead of “lol?: no. never.
Know how to play chess?: No. I know how to play scrabble though.
Ever miss being a little kid?: yes.
Want to get married?: yes...some day.

Have You Ever

Stolen Anything: yes. I'm a fiend.
Been Drunk Before Noon: No.
Had Sex In A Public Place: no...and don't want to either.
Got Caught Telling A Lie: yes...
Got A Speeding Ticket: no.
Been Arrested: nope
Littered: probably
Fantasized About A Co-Worker: i don't work...but about some of my friends...yes ;)
Cheated On A Test: yes.
Cheated In A Relationship: never!!!!!
Failed A Class:
Screened Your Phone Calls: always
Eaten Food Off The Floor: 5 second rule!
Stuck Gum Under A Desk: Never. Disgusting habit.
Wished You Were Someone Else: i like being me.
Cried During A Movie: yes. for so many movies.
Had A One Night Stand: No … not yet.
Had to pull over on the side of the road to puke?: When I was a kid..yes...I once threw up on this nice lady's shoes.
Had your heart broken?: yes
Had a good feeling about something?: always
Had a near death experience: no
Swam in freezing water: no
Jumped off a house: no
Been attacked?: no
Bungee jumped: no
White water rafted: yes
Pulled an all nighter?: yes
Surfed: no
Lied about your age: yes...to this guy who kept calling to ask whether he cud marry me.
Broken a bone?: nope

Misc.

Describe Yourself In One Word: Spontaneous
Biggest Fear: of being alone and misunderstood.
Biggest Mistake: Not trusting in God enough.
Your Proudest Accomplishment: every time I rise above my circumstances.
#1 Priority In Your Life: God.
Dream Job: To own my own clothing line.
Causes You Believe In: Family, friends, relationships, feeding children, fighting poverty, eradicating terrorism and many more.
Where Are You Right Now: At home.
Where Would You Rather Be: traveling the world
Famous Person You Want To Meet: Barak Obama
Place To Visit Before You Die: Spain
Song Played At Your Funeral: can't think of one now...will come up with one soon.
What are you listening to right now: nothing.
What makes you happy: Spending time with friends.
What did you do yesterday: Can't remember.
Won any awards?: Yes I have – several
Are you a good driver?: Not right now.
Last time you showered?: today noon.
What’s the last dream you remember?: Me trying to save the world. Too much Heroes.
What side of the bed do you sleep on?: is there such a thing?
Do you dress up on Halloween?: no.
Are you outgoing or introverted?: Extremely outgoing.
Do you ever wish you were famous?: all the time
Have you ever done anything illegal?: nope
Where will you be 12 hours from now?: Have no idea.
Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?: no.
Do you know what you are going to wear tomorrow?: yes
Is it easy for people to make you smile?: yes
Does anyone hate you for no reason?: Maybe...not that I know of anyone who does anyway.
Can you make yourself cry?: Yes – it takes effort though.
How many hours of sleep did you get last night?: about 4
Is your life simple or complicated?: Complicated. When was life really ever simple?
Are you taller than 5′4″?: no.

Personal

Have you laughed until you cried: yes
Have you found out who your true friends were: yes.
Met someone who changed you: yes
Kissed anyone on your friends list: yes.
What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping – coughing - reading.
Name something you CANNOT wait for: cooler weather and my miracle!
Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: no. Funny ain't it?
What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: I wish I was more money smart.
Last time you saw your father : On skype mostly but in person in February this year.
Most visited webpage: www.facebook.com
Do people think you’re weird?: I’m sure they do
Are any of your friends mad at you?: no...not that I know of anyway.
What’s one new thing you’d like to try?: Bungee jumping
Would you get married before 19?: no
Can you crack your neck?: no
Are you a bully? O_o: no..but my sis will disagree.
Do you type fast?: yes.
What is the longest relationship you were in?: 6-7 months.

Firsts

First surgery : none.
First piercing : My ears.
First pet : Shaggy.
First vacation : India. way back in 1994.
First concert : cannot remember.
First crush : classified.
Very FIRST memory? : Enjoying myself in a carnival as a kid.
First person you had a fight with?: Argument … probably with a friend in school
First time you rode a bike?: cannot remeber when but I do remember being scared out of my wits.
First car: Not yet.
First person you slow danced with: Hmm...no one really.
If your house was on fire, first thing you’d grab?: my laptop.
First Movie You Saw: really cannot remember.
First thing you’d do with 5 million dollars: Invest it so I had enough to live on comfortably
First thing you notice when you look in the mirror?: How messed up my hair is.
First impression of your bf/gf?: u mean my exes? The first one: WOW. He's an awesome dancer (and he was) and the second: He's so funny.

As of Now

I am listening to: nothing...yet.
Maybe I should: Go to bed?
I love: the way my life is going right now
I don’t understand: a lot of things. But I have an open mind and am willing to learn – so help me understand.
I have lost my respect for: desperate people.
The meaning of my display name is: RoshieJ...roshie is my nickname and J is shortened for my surname John.
I will always be: myself – God's princess.
Love seems to: grab hold of me easily – and is so hard to let go. Once you’re in the heart – you’re there forever.
I never ever want to lose: my family.
I get annoyed when: people use bad english.
Do you like parties?: yes.
Today I: was a lazy bum and didn’t do much of anything.
I wish: My friends wud have finished off their finals.
Are you neat or sloppy?: Neat and organized.
What kind of clothes do you like?: i love clothes!
Are you mad at someone?: no.
What do you do in your spare time: read. write. listen to music. hang out with friends. blah. blah.
What kind of car do you have/want?: A jag.
Do you like to read? What?: Yes – lots and mainly autobiographies.
Do you cook?: Yes
Would you do drugs?: Never
Have you ever written a song?: yes...plenty.
Do you like poetry?: yes
Have you written poetry?: yes
Have you dated someone older than you?: yes
How much older? a few weeks?

Thank God that was over...Im having a splitting headache now...prolly should go to bed.
Till next time

Peace and out
Love, ROshie.

To Paradise and back

2009-11-08T15:30:00.003+10:30

Today Sumie and I went to Paradise West..and I took a train for the first time being here in Adelaide so I had to blog about it. The lady who was to pick us up wanted us to get to Ethelton. She lived close by and would then come get us. So yesterday a greater part of an hour was spent first trying to locate the web site and then trying to arrange the correct times to get to the station.
This is what one website had to say about Adelaide Rail...
Adelaide has the worst metropolitan rail service in the nation, and is the only major city in Australia without electric train services. In contrast to all other cities there are no plans for any development of the services and in fact there are even mild threats of service reduction and route curtailment.
(http://www.railpage.org.au/railmaps/adelaide.htm)

Yes, we were now highly encouraged to carry on. Nevertheless we prodded on. According to Sumie we needed to get to Grange but I checked the train lines and the line we had to take was the Outer Harbor & Grange line. The time was either 7.50 or 8.10.

Our itinerary went something like this:
Meet at Victoria Square before 7.25
Catch tram @ 7.26 to the Railway Station
Catch the 7.40 Outer Harbour and Grange train.

And so this morning I woke grudgingly at 6.30 a.m. and rushed to the tram station. I was there 2 minutes earlier then the tram. But the tram was not there. We waited until 7.30 and still no tram. (Refer above note about Adelaide rail). Checking the timetable at the tram station revealed that the tram only came in at 8.15!!! And yet the time table at the web site said 7.26.

I really was thinking pretty words in my head. But its Sunday. The sabbath day. A holy day. So in keeping with God's laws, we kept our moth shut and WALKED to the railway station, purchased our tickets and got onto the platform, all within time too. If we had waiting for that tram we would have gotten late. When we arrived the Grange train was just about to leave in about 10 minutes.

Sumie was sure that this was our train. I was not so convinced. Why? because the train didn't go anywhere near Ethelton. I insisted that we check other trains. And the train started pulling away. Now either I was right and this was not our train, or I was wrong and then we had to wait an entire hour for the next Grange train.

Sumie looked at me and I really, really hoped I was right. To my extreme relief and joy, there was the Outer Harbor train and it stopped at Ethelton.

After sitting down and when the train was pulling out of the City, Sumie turned to me and said, "Did I tell you how much I appreciate you coming with me? I would still have been waiting for the tram and would have gotten on the wrong train and ended up in somewhere else".

I really had nothing to say, I mean seriously the rail did need to be up-hauled and refurbished. And while we were pulling up I noticed this banner over a section of the rail lines that stated that Australia's most modern hospital was to be built here. I mean WTH? Who builds a hospital near the railway lines?

I enjoyed the 5 mph train ride. No I did. It was another Adelaide experience and I only have two more weeks of that. So I have to make the best of my time here. Soak as much of Adelaide as I can. Though Sumie is still in persistent denial I know that unless God intervenes I am going back. And I am not coming for some time.

Till next time and more memories that I can fondly look back too

Peace and out
Love, Roshie.

When I fall in love

2009-11-06T02:52:00.003+10:30

My dearest darling,

I know that one day, when we two meet it will be sparks. I am writing this to you my dear so that one day, when you see this you will know that I have been praying for you. You have been in my thoughts even before I met you and I have been crying out to Daddy God for you.
I pray....

...that you will love God wholeheatedly. God will be your first love and you will serve Him and His kingdom. He will be your refuge and His laws your guide. My dear, when God made you I know He was also thinking about me. He made us for each other and I know that whatever happens He will be the first and the last in our lives.

....that our relationship will have God's approval. I have learned the hard way that no matter how much I think the guy is right for me, unless I know that he is who God wants me to be with, that relationship will not last. I was with a man who I thought was the "right" person. And how wrong that turned out to be. I know that when we have our Father's blessings we will be able to conquer all.

....that you will love your family. I will tell you now that I cannot love a man who does not love his own family first. If you cannot respect your parents and love your siblings what guarantee will I have that you will show me respect and love? I pray that your family will like me. I know that I have many imperfections but I ask the Lord that they will see me as you see me.

....that you will be honest. I don't want glitter, glamor and glitz. At the end of the day I want you to be honest with me no matter how hard it is. I can forgive you and I will. Over and over again. And please don't beat around the bush. You should know now that if there is one thing I can't stand is someone who tries to 'fudge'. If you have something to say, say it. Don't expect me to read your mind and guess it. And don't wait until I find out from someone else.

....that you will be my best friend. I don't want just a man, I want a friend. You will be someone who I can share everything with. I can cry and laugh with. Someone I can fight and make peace with. I also pray that I will be your best friend.

....that we will be an example to others. Our love and our lives will be the light on the hill, and many people will be blessed because of us.

I pray that you will be everything that I want in my man and that I will be everything you want. When I fell in love darling...I will do it wholeheartedly, unashamedly and undeniably. I will write your name in my heart, I will engrave it in my soul.

Love
Your sweetheart.

The miracle of everything

2009-11-04T17:17:00.011+10:30

There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle ~Albert Einstein

(Image courtesy of Deviant Art)

Today as I read the extraordinary account of Judith Moran labeled as "Crime matriarch" and according to one article "the widow of a disgusting, venal, drug-trafficking, family called the Morans", it struck me how each of our lives can be interpreted differently.

Judith defends herself saying that she was unaware of the actual works conducted by her ex-husband, her partner and her sons. Her own words of her life:

I have lived in a world of whispered conversations and secrets. I have lived in a world of murder, corruption, bribery, crime and fear. A world where to ask too many questions would see you belted for your curiosity. A world with rules for men and where women know their place... I am a wife with no husband. I am a mother with no children.'

Her book is painted with colorful and happy memories as well as ugly taints of the gruesome murders, abuse and lies. It hides the hardened world of Melbourne's gang-lands and shows this woman to be just like an ordinary woman trapped within her dark world.
In what appears to be a complete downplay on her violent and abused life she pulls off memory after memory of all the good times, hiding the ugly and stark truth that remains hidden between the lines.

I liked the book. Couldn't put it down actually. To me the book portrayed a complex and troubled woman. Her attempt to portray her life in better light after the media onslaught is justified and I can understand her need to pull out the better times out, to bury her misery, comfort herself and justify the accusations.

I can identify with her and her need to justify the accusations. To be unfairly accused without proper verification is injustice and to accuse someone thus is poor response to any situation.

I was surprised to hear the unfair accusations against me, and the tales that have been spun. I didn't tell people about the truth of my circumstances and I didn't even go to them for help, I admit maybe it was wrong but that was my prerogative.
I and my family chose to trust God and believe that He has the best for me. We decided that we would not ask anyone for help after being let down by so many people and that if god wanted me to be here He would open all the doors.

Today I do question logic but I believe that in some sense my journey here in Australia at least for this moment is over and that there is some divine purpose for me to go back home. I don't know why but I knew long before that this would be my last semester. It stuck me long time ago. I fought against it but deep inside I had this fear that I would have to go back home. Why I cannot explain, its too personal but I just did.

When I decided to come to Australia, so many people believed that I couldn't go it and some even tried to stop me. Amidst this negativity Mum and I still believed and we GOT our miracle. I came here. I was here for two years.

So now that things have changed and not worked out, we decided that it is a personal matter. Just like when I decided to come. I would tell all those involved in time. Don't get me wrong. Its the hardest time for me. I'm the one going back. I'm the one losing out here. I'm the one who is NOT finishing her degree.

I was surprised to all the things going around. And the funny thing is some of them don't even call me to VERIFY the truth. And I am hurt. I am upset. I have lost so much. I made my mistakes. I learned bitter truths and I am the wiser woman for it. Today as I get ready to go back I know that my experiences here have made me the independent and resourceful woman that I am today.

Yes, there are so many things I wish I could change, so many moments I wish I could take back. Change my 'yes' to 'no' or my 'no' to 'yes'.
Things I wish I worked on harder, stuff I should have seen to and people I should have spent more time with.
But now as I look back I have made my decision.
NO REGRETS. I am going back and frankly there is little time to do anything about it.

I paused for a moment to think back on all what I had done and I was proud of myself. I had been there for my friends and whenever help was asked of me I gave it generously. I forgave people I thought I couldn't and I encouraged everyone who I met. I was unselfish with my time, and unless I had good reason to I know that I never let anyone down intentionally. I tried to avoid hurting people and tried always (to the best of my ability) to speak good of others.
Where I have failed, forgive me. I am still after all human. I make my mistakes.

I realise that I have isolated myself. Please don't take this the wrong way. I did it because I didn't want to make it harder for me to say goodbye. I did it to spare any pain that might be had. If not for myself, I did it for you, my dear friends. If I have not said much its because I didn't want to get so close as to make leaving so difficult. I am leaving behind many, many good friends who I hope one day I will meet again. Friendships I know that will last a lifetime and friendships I hope one day to repay with the same love and kindness that I received.

Today I take the very real first step to leaving. I am now packing my things. I am now sorting through stuff, which ones to take and which to give away. It promises to be long days ahead. I have already ranted in previous posts how much I will miss Australia. So enough said.

But on the bright side, I am going back to the welcoming arms of my extraordinary family. I have the support and love of my girls, my best friends and my awesum-possum peeps. I still have that future to work on, and that life to get going on and this time, no turning back. This gal's got her engine's running and she's going all the way.
I must admit that I am scared. The future still frightens me, but as I remember the words of an old favorite hymn of mine

"Many things about tomorrow, I don't seem to understand But I know who holds tomorrow And I know who holds my hand"

I look with great hope, and I look with amazement. Dad told me today "Don't worry, Ammi and I were discussing that after all these things, there will be something great"
Yes, there will.
Einstein was right, the genius that he was. Everything is a miracle. Everyone a part of God's grand design. Whatever loss we face, whatever tear we shed it's all there in His books, in His hands and He will repay the righteous. He is a father, a lover, a master and the truest friend.

I have my miracle. The one I kept praying for. Not in the way I wanted it of course but a miracle nonetheless.

I call it life.(Image courtesy of Deviant Art)

The Lady of Shallot

2009-11-03T18:34:00.006+10:30

I was reading an Agatha Christie mystery novel and in it the lines from this poem appeared and memories simply came flooding back. I remember studying this for in my Anthology for English Literature. I also remember the English Lit classes...how in those warm, stick afternoons we would go through poetry from different era's and study the stories behind each masterpiece. Miss. Chandi and how she would thump on the table and yell at us to be quiet. The times we would drift in and out of a trance, hoping the bell would ring and end the two periods of mandatory pain. But I loved Literature. I enjoyed the works of Tennyson, Wordsworth, Blake amongst others.

A good poem brings out an image, a scene, a story with so much color. Its like painting a picture with words. It creates images in the mind and takes you into magical worlds. Like this one. A very famous piece by Tennyson, it tells the legend of a beautiful woman under a horrible curse. It tells of love unrequited and life unfulfiled. It tells us of the mysterious lady in Shallot.

THE LADY OF SHALLOT ~ Lord Alfred Tennyson

On either side the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the wold and meet the sky;
And thro' the field the road runs by
To many-tower'd Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shalott.

Willows whiten, aspens quiver,
Little breezes dusk and shiver
Through the wave that runs for ever
By the island in the river
Flowing down to Camelot.
Four grey walls, and four grey towers,
Overlook a space of flowers,
And the silent isle imbowers
The Lady of Shalott.

By the margin, willow veil'd,
Slide the heavy barges trail'd
By slow horses; and unhail'd
The shallop flitteth silken-sail'd
Skimming down to Camelot:
But who hath seen her wave her hand?
Or at the casement seen her stand?
Or is she known in all the land,
The Lady of Shalott?

Only reapers, reaping early,
In among the bearded barley
Hear a song that echoes cheerly
From the river winding clearly;
Down to tower'd Camelot;
And by the moon the reaper weary,
Piling sheaves in uplands airy,
Listening, whispers, " 'Tis the fairy
Lady of Shalott."

There she weaves by night and day
A magic web with colours gay.
She has heard a whisper say,
A curse is on her if she stay
To look down to Camelot.
She knows not what the curse may be,
And so she weaveth steadily,
And little other care hath she,
The Lady of Shalott.

And moving through a mirror clear
That hangs before her all the year,
Shadows of the world appear.
There she sees the highway near
Winding down to Camelot;
There the river eddy whirls,
And there the surly village churls,
And the red cloaks of market girls
Pass onward from Shalott.

Sometimes a troop of damsels glad,
An abbot on an ambling pad,
Sometimes a curly shepherd lad,
Or long-hair'd page in crimson clad
Goes by to tower'd Camelot;
And sometimes through the mirror blue
The knights come riding two and two.
She hath no loyal Knight and true,
The Lady of Shalott.

But in her web she still delights
To weave the mirror's magic sights,
For often through the silent nights
A funeral, with plumes and lights
And music, went to Camelot;
Or when the Moon was overhead,
Came two young lovers lately wed.
"I am half sick of shadows," said
The Lady of Shalott.

A bow-shot from her bower-eaves,
He rode between the barley sheaves,
The sun came dazzling thro' the leaves,
And flamed upon the brazen greaves
Of bold Sir Lancelot.
A red-cross knight for ever kneel'd
To a lady in his shield,
That sparkled on the yellow field,
Beside remote Shalott.

The gemmy bridle glitter'd free,
Like to some branch of stars we see
Hung in the golden Galaxy.
The bridle bells rang merrily
As he rode down to Camelot:
And from his blazon'd baldric slung
A mighty silver bugle hung,
And as he rode his armor rung
Beside remote Shalott.

All in the blue unclouded weather
Thick-jewell'd shone the saddle-leather,
The helmet and the helmet-feather
Burn'd like one burning flame together,
As he rode down to Camelot.
As often thro' the purple night,
Below the starry clusters bright,
Some bearded meteor, burning bright,
Moves over still Shalott.

His broad clear brow in sunlight glow'd;
On burnish'd hooves his war-horse trode;
From underneath his helmet flow'd
His coal-black curls as on he rode,
As he rode down to Camelot.
From the bank and from the river
He flashed into the crystal mirror,
"Tirra lirra," by the river
Sang Sir Lancelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces through the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look'd down to Camelot.
Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack'd from side to side;
"The curse is come upon me," cried
The Lady of Shalott.

In the stormy east-wind straining,
The pale yellow woods were waning,
The broad stream in his banks complaining.
Heavily the low sky raining
Over tower'd Camelot;
Down she came and found a boat
Beneath a willow left afloat,
And around about the prow she wrote
The Lady of Shalott.

And down the river's dim expanse
Like some bold seer in a trance,
Seeing all his own mischance --
With a glassy countenance
Did she look to Camelot.
And at the closing of the day
She loosed the chain, and down she lay;
The broad stream bore her far away,
The Lady of Shalott.

Lying, robed in snowy white
That loosely flew to left and right --
The leaves upon her falling light --
Thro' the noises of the night,
She floated down to Camelot:
And as the boat-head wound along
The willowy hills and fields among,
They heard her singing her last song,
The Lady of Shalott.

Heard a carol, mournful, holy,
Chanted loudly, chanted lowly,
Till her blood was frozen slowly,
And her eyes were darkened wholly,
Turn'd to tower'd Camelot.
For ere she reach'd upon the tide
The first house by the water-side,
Singing in her song she died,
The Lady of Shalott.

Under tower and balcony,
By garden-wall and gallery,
A gleaming shape she floated by,
Dead-pale between the houses high,
Silent into Camelot.
Out upon the wharfs they came,
Knight and Burgher, Lord and Dame,
And around the prow they read her name,
The Lady of Shalott.

Who is this? And what is here?
And in the lighted palace near
Died the sound of royal cheer;
And they crossed themselves for fear,
All the Knights at Camelot;
But Lancelot mused a little space
He said, "She has a lovely face;
God in his mercy lend her grace,
The Lady of Shalott."

Reckon-less

2009-11-03T08:09:00.002+10:30

I amin this entire state of confusion. And things have not been getting any easier. In fact on the countdown for me leaving Adelaide, I've fallen ill, upset some dear ladies, confused several people and myself and landed myself in this jam.

Sumie believes that I am not going. That by some miracle I will stay here and that I will stay here for summer school and for the rest of next year. She has that conviction and that faith. I love her to death because she has given up so much for me.

I'm having a clearance sale and so far have managed to find people interested in getting some of my stuff.

you know what I want the most? I want to go back home, and chill with my girls. Just laugh my head off and enjoy good company. Last night I was so sick I couldn't stand. I really thought I would collapse. I was shivering uncontrollably and my heart beat was at least thrice faster than normal. It was like my heart was running this marathon.

All I could remember at that time were the words of Jesus, "Let not your heart be troubled..."

Gotta get out of bed and get dressed. This promises to be a long day.
More later

Peace
Love, Roshie